1000 Spritopian Nights

Still under construction�

666 Things that have been learned after a thousand days of Spritopias

1. I tend to do anything Ruth tells me to do.

2. Life is dangerous without Anna.

3. I have no patience for inconsiderate and stupid adults.

4. I�ve always trusted Emily.

5. I look good in plaid pants.

6. I am the Easter Bunny; prepare to feel my wrath.

7. I have no patience for beggars.

8. I have no respect for Frida Kahlo.

9. I like Abercrombie & Fitch more than the pretension of morality.

10. Emily and I are evil, but probably more fun than you.

11. Fight Club an excellent movie.

12. Sometimes, I�m a poor judge of character.

13. I don�t like being humped on by Mormons.

14. I can�t spell.

15. Try as I might have at one time, I never REALLY liked Jon Bender.

16. I apparently have a friend in Pennsylvania and so do you.

17. You should not drive in Manhattan.

18. I am only smart in the absence of Justin.

19. Lutherans are special people. Some times they are special good and sometimes special short bus.

20. Being, �grown up� isn�t all that it�s cracked up to be.

21. Everyone should have a debit card.

22. You can�t trust someone with a lazy eye.

23. No one looks good in a Speedo.

24. Watch out for unstable curves.

25. Concordia University � Nebraska is brazen and cheap.

26. Watermelons do not have barcodes.

27. Hairy men do not get to wear tank tops.

28. Self-checkout isn�t for everyone.

29. Uni-brows are sexy.

30. Capitalism is powerful and fun.

31. No one enjoys a sermon.

32. NASCAR is the opiate of the Trailer Park.

33. �Magic the Gathering� is a symptom of a greater instability.

34. Keeping a countdown until someone else dies is tacky.

35. Transvestites have no room to complain that we cannot tell what gender they are.

36. Democrats should not be allowed interns.

37. You should always leave the toilet seat down.

38. Those Wyoming folk are decent.

39. Ohio is dreary.

40. Jesus is black.

41. Do not siphon gas by mouth.

42. No one should drive in Manhattan.

43. Monica Lewinsky is fatter in person than she is on television.

44. I am not an asshole. I am the whole ass.

45. Mickey has Herpes.

46. I am self-centered and juvenile. So what.

47. Do not pet things in New York City.

48. We�re all naked under our clothes.

49. There is nothing to like about Al Gore.

50. Justin is pathological liar. That�s probably why I like him.

51. Jennifer Neely, her is my friend.

52. I will fight you if you talk trash about Dr. Ashby.

53. If I had broken a chair over Ellie Bach�s head, no one would have noticed the difference.

54. College was supposed to be hard.

55. Don�t eat off of buffets, especially Chinese ones.

56. Dolls that pee are the reason this country is populated by perverted people.

57. Sister Wendy is a pirate.

58. Feel free to make up words, Shakespeare did.

59. Renea is always right.

60. School sucks, but it�s better than getting a job.

61. Public School teachers have more angst than an Avril Lavigne album.

62. Every one should have mouse ears with their name on it.

63. A little girl from Long Island can grow up to be whatever she wants. Remember that too, Princess.

64. Canada is shady

66. Melinda�s come from Nebraska.

67. I need adult supervision.

68. Respect the Princess.

69. Jeff Ferris is ridiculous.

70. Michelle Beswick and Jennifer Neely are gossips � but that�s why we like them.

71. Justin is my hero.

72. Troy is illiterate.

73. Toilets Suck

74. No matter what happens you can count on Wendy not to care about it.

75. Kristy Waterman is a bad father.

76. Kristy�s debating skills are unmatched by any, except Julie Bunderman.

77. Tyler catches on, eventually.

78. Never take me to O�Charley�s.

79. Never let me order the Ice Tea.

80. I make one hell of a bulimic.

81. Stephanie isn�t a hateful bitch, but he�s a stupid one.

82. I am the anti-Christ

83. Christine Butler is busy.

84. Al Gore is a liar.

86. James thinks I�m funny. I don�t care what you think.

87. Stephanie is lame.

88. Even the most crapulent of places can be made fun with the absurd antics of Justin and Christopher.

89. Lois Combs Weinburg is huge ass and has a huge ass.

90. I am a political genius.

91. Republicans are entertaining.

92. I am too ornery to die.

93. I want a flock of cock.

94. Debbie Leard could save humanity.

95. I am an astrologer.

96. If you�re not from the third world, the least you could do is work at Panera Bread.

97. Transvestites are easy to spot.

98. I am bigoted against everything

99. Avoid the Clap

100. I do not have the clap.

101. Bras are for breasts

102. Socks are for feet.

103. Wallets are for money.

104. Jesus doesn�t like skylights over bathtubs.

105. Jesus prefers us not to scream out his name during sex.

106. Mobile homes are not safe in tornados.

107. Everyone loves Jeremy.

108. No one loves Stephanie Thomas.

110. No one wants to be Stephanie Thomas.

111. Your Mom is fat.

112. I�m a good friend, I know that sounds conceited but I am good at that if nothing else.

113. Horses are evil.

114. Santa is dirty.

115. Sarah Brill is more powerful than you could ever imagine.

116. I have bad grammar but I also haven�t failed out of three colleges.

117. Shelley and I have no shame.

118. Paul gives good head.

119. Squirrels are evil.

120. No one parties as hard as Kristy.

121. James Whatley is the Bomb.

122. James wouldn�t send you to Siberia. I would.

123. Michelle Beswick owns Jesus Christ.

124. I am jealous of Susan Sarandon.

125. Which is silly because Susan Sarandon is from New Jersey.

126. Life is confusing; Kentucky is the worst.

127. It�s good to be King.

128. The Amish are fun.

129. Melissa Potter is a sovereign political entity.

130. If you can�t dress as Ben Franklin at work, quit.

131. Take care of yourself, no one else will do it for you.

132. Having your own time zone means you�re always on time.

133. Mullets should be illegal.

134. It�s only okay for me to be bitter.

135. I don�t need Abercrombie and Fitch; I deserve it.

136. Jenny from the Block is RAD.

137. My goals are stupid but they�re a start.

138. Meredith maintains Moral Superiority over Spritopias.

139. Melissa Potter is a schmuck.

140. The stupid should have to pay extra taxes.

141. If you deep fry it, they will come.

142. I like James Bond films.

143. Gail Bennett is allowed to hate me.

144. I will do just about anything to offend someone.

145. No one wants to know which bed your boots were under, baby.

146. I hate Thomas Schneider. You have no use to humanity.

147. It is okay to bring back the eighties. It is not okay to rape it.

148. I really despise Bryan Blackford.

149. I really do appreciate Gail Bennett. I always have.

150. Serious = Boring

151. My dog and I take the same medication

152. Mullets are one half science, one half art.

153. James is generous.

154. The Benders have no class.

155. Leah and I are brilliant separately but hopeless together.

156. Dr. Ashby and Dr. Gernant got the sense of humor from Jesus.

158. Feliz Ramidan.

159. Grace is always right.

160. It�s always fun to cheat foreigners.

161. Children are Weapons of Mass Destruction

162. It�s okay to use turn signals.

163. If you�re in charge you should be seated.

164. I live in Garrison Keilor�s personal nightmare.

165. I want flying monkeys.

166. Your family isn�t nearly as bad as mine.

167. What kind of person buys their Grandmother a vibrator?

168. Give the drugs to Patsy.

169. Everything prevents cancer.

170. Everything causes cancer.

171. Miranda is right.

172. Selia is a hateful bitch.

173. I enjoy the Mc Rib.

174. I think gender sensitivity is dumb.

175. I am old. I write about, �When I was a kid.�

176. Your life is an unhappy heap of shit because you enjoy that.

177. Don�t put your kids name on their clothing.

178. Bohemian is a nice way to say, �poor� or �cheap.�

179. Teens who claim to be abstaining from sex are probably not being forthcoming about why they�re not having sex.

180. The Catholics put on one hell of a cabaret.

181. Hire the handicapped, they�re fun to watch.

182. Working retail is hell.

183. Jennifer Neely, Her my President.

184. Mall Santa is evil, let your kid pee on them.

185. Anna Hasty is the cure for common stupidity.

186. All crimes are hate crimes.

187. Liberals are hypocrites.

188. Sometimes being the bigger person isn�t a bad idea. I, however, do not plan on doing it again.

189. If you can afford to shop at my Mall you can also afford a sitter.

190. If your home country is so much better, why did you leave? Eh?

191. I�m full of shit.

193. Bobble heads are the perfect present.

194. New Yorkers have class.

195. Kentucky doesn�t.

196. No one does Jesus quite like we do.

197. I now screen my mail for bombs.

198. I won�t be your friend if you send presents.

199. Stephen Clayton is an evil genius.

200. Melissa Potter may be a schmuck but she gives good gifts.

201. Justin rules gift giving.

202. I am not jealous of Justin.

203. If I could be paid to have sex for a living I would do it.

204. My sister is Naboo Fabulous.

205. Always get it in writing.

206. My sister is also Long Island Fabulous.

207. Non-smokers should get extra breaks during the workday too!

208. Bitch, Please! That emotional baggage needs to fit under the seat.

209. People LOVE to read Spritopias until it makes fun of them.

210. Your Momma.

211. See what I mean?

212. Leah Harmon would make a TERRIBLE Marine.

213. Saddam Hussein? She knows this Saddam Hussein of which you speak, he is a terrible lover!

214. I hate Justin Linde.

215. I hate Christopher Stewart

216. Pam thinks I am smart and funny. She said, I am good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.

217. Motherfucker, one word � not two

218. Karma�s a bitch.

219. Sex with some people is like throwing a pencil down a hallway.

220. It�s sad, but true, people move to KENTUCKY for religious and ethnic tolerance.

221. Senator Lott is a dirty old man.

222. I am NOT a part of a vast right-wing conspiracy! Those bitches never returned my calls.

223. I am not a nice person.

224. It�s not my fault you�re stupid.

225. I�ve been called a lot of things but, �fuck buddy,� is not one of them.

226. Yes, that is a monkey in my pants.

227. It�s okay that Halle Berry can�t act.

228. I am a Banana Republican.

229. I miss Luke. Search: Lunar Goose.

230. Blame Canada.

231. Stupidity = Fertility

232. When life gets boring, start your own cult!

233. Roads are for driving, not for sexing.

234. I am the little Hebrew that could.

235. Some people need to feel like victims or they don�t feel alive

236. It doesn�t matter what you say, people hear what they want to hear.

237. I don�t want George Bush or Howard Dean to stimulate my package.

238. Some times the right thing happens.

239. I will write the book that will break your heart.

240. I�ll eat your chicken but I won�t promise to keep it down.

241. Dana does not have a penis.

242. Prisoners have a debt to society, society does not have debt to prisoners.

243. Rape a nun, go to college � FREE!

244. The Spanish man who lives in Uscanistan is very angry.

245. I�m a whore to corporate America.

246. Everyone should take a nap.

247. Bizarro Anna Hasty must be stopped.

248. I ruined Boone Smith�s life.

249. I love Dick (Cheney).

250. I don�t have a superiority complex; you have an inferiority complex.

251. Tracheotomies frighten me.

252. Ted is King of the Phone.

253. My stomach has xenophobia.

254. For ten dollars, I�ll be anyone you want.

255. If I�m drinking, I�m not talking.

256. If you buy Lice Products in bulk you�re really filthy.

257. Tuberculosis isn�t THAT bad.

258. Reverse Psychology never works on the Lord.

259. All the men come in these places and the men are all the same. You don�t look and their faces and you don�t ask their names.

260. I don�t complain; I debate

261. I hate Pop Tarts.

262. Avril must be stopped.

263. Bend at the knees.

264. You don�t need to be beautiful to be a Senator.

265. Don�t preach tolerance, preach acceptance.

266. People who do not enjoy my page spend their time enjoying Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aquilara.

267. Public Breast Feeding is not okay.

268. The, �little black box� is orange.

269. It�s not okay to make prequels.

270. George Lucas must be stopped.

271. I am a sucker for carbohydrates.

272. I have no luck with cars.

273. This is not Loas, put your breasts away.

274. I am allowed grudges under Lutheran Dogmatic Law.

275. Royals never tire, retard.

276. I want to be home schooled, it�s easier than actually doing something.

277. It is really that small.

278. I�m not a homosexual; I am a metro sexual.

279. When I was little I dressed in the manner of a compulsive masturbator.

280. Corporate America is out to get you.

281. Andes Candies are the official breath mints of cannibalism.

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