Amazing Amish Adventure
rs ago, during the Leonid Meteor Shower, Nate, Melissa and I went with Kristy to her farm out in the Amish Country of Kansas. It was one of the most amazing things I’ve seen, a truly brilliant display of God’s creation in action. You could see the stars and planets so clearly, even a person who no imagination like myself could make out constellations. You could see the nebulas and other amazing things in space. I was in awe, I’ve been to the best planetariums in North America and Europe but this was something else. Why go to Paris when you can go to Atwood, Kansas. I’ve been to both and I prefer to Kansas. If you ever get the chance you should watch a phenomenon like that, unobscured by the glare of city lights.
Anyway, our trek deep into the cow pasture where we watched the shower was eventful. Nate, Melissa and I had never been on four by fours, much less in the middle of the night. Kristy took us out to the pasture on them, she drove one and Nate drove the other. I’m a terrible driver in anything but a Volkswagen so I let Nate take the helm.
Unbeknownst to me, there are trees in Kansas. Honestly, the people who grow up in coastal areas who believe what they see on television and view the space of America between the mountain ranges as a great, cultureless desert. It isn’t, it’s damn fascinating out there. My point…I’m getting to it and I do have one. Melissa was on the other vehicle with Kristy and her face got torn up by the branches of said trees (they could have been bushes, but I think the Bushes are fabulous so I’m going to blame trees).
Melissa is famous for many, many things. One of those things is her perfect skin and complexion. It’s been voted on, debated and passed unanimously by the Lutheran Women’s Missionary League (the militant wing of the Lutheran Church). Melissa has nice skin (pretty face, soft hair). Don’t argue with the LWML, it’s not worth it. So poor Melissa, she got all torn up and prettified. My mother and grandmother cried when they heard the news of Melissa’s face. Indeed a cry went up from Saint Louis and Minneapolis lamenting the damage to her complexion as none has been heard since the Slaughter of the Innocents by King Herod.
Another highlight of the trip was riding in the combine. No, I didn’t get to ride the combine and neither did Nate for that matter. MELISSA SPENT ALL DAY IN THE COMBINE with YODER. Yoder, the great and noble Amish farmer, church elder and philosopher spent all day in a combine with Melissa. Nate and I had slept most of that day, but it wasn’t our fault. Melissa (she’s the villain in this story, don’t forget that) wouldn’t go get us WATER in the middle of the night when we wanted it and had to be issued sanctions.
We didn’t get to ride the combine, but we got to sit on a John Deere tractor that was ON. Isn’t that awesome? We think so shut up if you disagree.
Well, Melissa then declared her a SOVERIGN ENTITY and therefore we could not sanction here and she BLOCKADED our room. We were without water, which caused us to dissertate at her late into the night about how she reminded us of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge. When we started to name the chickens after communist dictators and demanding that we have Deng’s eggs for breakfast and not Mao’s she let us out. I like my eggs benedict to have that special Stalin property that allows you to rewrite your meal in the bathroom if you don’t like it. Melissa didn’t cook for us, Kristy did. She’s the HERO of the story; Melissa is the VILLIAN.
Kristy made us STEAK AND POTATOES for breakfast and not because it’s common on Amish Farms but because Nate and I had slept so late into the day. Nate and I are sleepers we can sleep all day and all night as if we had been hit in the head with our own knees. That’s another story. Any woman who can be found in a kitchen cooking a man steak is a saint indeed, worthy of praise. After that we toured the Amish Village, including the Amish Old Folks home where Kristy was viewed as a saint, hero and wonderful due to her magnanimous treatment of the elderly. I had never traveled around in a horse and buggy so it was fun time. One even gave me a picture of Ronald Reagan that hung proudly over my desk in my classroom.
After that we raised a barn in her neighbor’s yard as prank. This is a common pastime among Amish youths. It was just a small bard, room for six cows and a pig named Rudy. It did the trick, there is nothing funnier than watching Amish come in from the fields to find a barn in the middle of their yard. We hid across the street to watch them discover our new edifice, I swear I heard the farmer’s wife say, “Heifer, Please! Get this barn out of my yard before I need a medical procedure we can’t perform. I need to get the buggy out and go to Wal Mart.” Well, I shouldn’t say, “swear” because the Amish don’t swear to anything.
That night we went out for Amish Pizza and this is where I learned who my friends were. Someone (we’ll blame Melissa since she is the villain) had unscrewed the top off of the hot pepper flakes at the Amish Pizzeria and not thinking to check it I dumped the whole thing on my plate. Some wenches would say that I had done it intentionally to create chaos in their lives. Not an Amish Wench, they never skip a beat. Kristy scooped up the excess pepper flakes from my pizza and sprinkled them on hers, like this was completely normal – not even stopping her story. Melissa followed suit, Nate picked up my slice of Pizza and shook it over his.
They all acted like this happened every day in our world. Well, in OUR world you have to remember that WE are capable of ANYTHING at any moment. You never know what I’m going to do. Sarah Brill says, “WEAR YOUR HELMET.” Thank God we have Melinda and Kristy who know this word called, “no.”
Back to the story, they saved me from a humiliating experience by taking it on all of us at once. That’s the sign of friendship. People who accept that you’re a freak and love you anyway. Quirks, flaws and all
There are other parts of this story, but I’ll share that later. Kristy’s family and her town gave us an Amazing Amish Adventure and so I can die happy.
This is Nate on the John Deere
This is a genuiine Amish person on a genuine John Deere Tractor, Watch Out
Phyllis the Pig, she’s married to my Uncle Jon
This is the barn we put up in the neighbor’s yard
This is everyone, excepting me, by a huge truch the Amish use to move stuff.
This is a giant cowboy that attacked their farm, I am in the picture fighting it with my lightsaber. DIE COWBOY! DIE!
