HORSES CAN'T BE TRUSTED
Yes, I want the George W. Bush western style hat and �W� belt buckle. I want to wear these with cowboy boots that have spurs. I want to strut around everywhere I go in them. I want to do a walk where I kind of twist my torso back and forth, when I see someone I know I�ll make a little signal with my hand that looks like I�m shooting at them. Bam. James suggested that I get a horse but I always get thrown off of horses.
I don�t really trust horses either. For one thing, horses talk funny. I�m sure that horses and I are not friends because of the language barrier. I don�t understand them when they�re talking and it doesn�t seem like they make much of an effort either. Horses also smell funny and wear strange clothing (if they wear clothing at all). I don�t like animals that talk funny, smell bad and wear weird clothing.
BORING WORK STORY
I have my eyes all bloody still, but they are getting better. Now they have a pinkish tint in places instead of looking like huge pools of blood. The other day this woman starts YELLING while I�m at the guest service desk about my pink eye and it being contagious and she doesn�t want it, yadda, yadda, yadda. I tried to tell her that it wasn�t pink eye but she was one of those people who don�t listen � they just want to run their damn mouth. My boss came up and told her that I didn�t have pink eye and to calm down.
During this time I had taken her exchange behind the sorting corral where she couldn�t see what I was doing. I think proceeded to stick my finger in my eye and then rub that finger on her belonging. Who says we no longer provide a, �gift with purchase.�
SANTA ISN�T COMING TO TOWN
Well, it�s that time of year again and I will be going around making spirits dim in just a short while. The holidays aren�t the same in Kentucky.
It doesn�t snow here nearly enough so we�re not able to play makeover story with other people�s snowmen. That�s a fun time where you add or subtract things to people�s snowmen in their yards. Extra limbs, new facial features and hair are just a few of the exciting changes you can make to an otherwise boring snowman. Sometimes we get them ethnic groups for Christmas using food coloring or Kool-Aid.
Usually after this happens to one snowman they all want it done. After they�ve all been made over they enjoy getting together in the middle of the street to play fashion show, chat with friends or just disrupt traffic.
Another favorite way I like to help people�s holiday season is to decorate things that aren�t decorated � like the Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah Witnesses. For some reason Jehovah Witnesses don�t decorate for the holidays so I always enjoy doing it for them. Sometimes their neighbors even help provide decorations and don�t even know it.
I�d list more but my eyes hurt when I look at the computer screen.
This year because of the tragic lack of holiday spirit to reorganize in Kentucky I have purchases a book that tells you how to tell people that Santa isn�t real. I am going to help disseminate this information until everyone knows. It will start with protests at the four malls in Louisville, starting with Jefferson, and then Oxmoor, Saint Matthews and the Summit will be last.
I need help making signs and I need someone to drive the getaway truck. We need someone to operate the mega-horn to shout at people. Most of the Santa believers can�t read so we need people to read it for them. We need lots of protesters to make this work!
We also need signs that say, �Christmas � the one time a year we encourage our children to climb into the lap of a creepy old man, wiggle around and whisper in his ear, take candy and leave.� Parents should be ashamed of themselves. First you lie to your kids and then you subject them to an annual fondling by someone who wasn�t even trained in it by the Boy Scouts of America.
I need help stopping this trend, are you up to the challenge?
