some lights seem eternal

Theatrical Trailer for Spritopias: Episode 1000

September 23, 2003

Open to a Caf� in Washington DC, near a colossal statue of Ronald Reagan; Kipp, and Christopher, can be seen sitting around a table

Kipp : You know I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would noticed.

Christopher : Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you.

Kipp : Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman.

Christopher : Hey I don't feel great about this but I don't hear anyone complaining.

Kipp : Of course not, you talk too much.

Kipp : And how do you know that they really...

Christopher : What are you saying, that they fake orgasm?

Kipp : It's possible.

Christopher : Get outta here!

Kipp : Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Christopher : Well they haven't faked it with me.

Kayce : Bullshit

Kipp : How do you know?

Christopher : Because I know.

Kipp : Oh, right, that's right, I forgot, you're a man.

Christopher : What is that supposed to mean?

Kipp : Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and that most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math.

Christopher : You don't think that I could tell the difference?

Kipp : No.

Christopher : Get outta here.

Kipp : Ooo...Oh...Ooo...

Christopher : Are you OK?

Kipp : Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh yeah right there Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes

Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh...

( Kipp finishes, looks at Christopher and smiles. Christopher looks back, looking a little uneasy)

Monica Lewinsky (from another table): I'll have what she's having.

INTERIOR: SPRITOPIAN ANCESTRAL HOME, LONG ISLAND-- LIVING QUARTERS � DAY

Within the quarters assigned her on Long Island, New York Erin paces in agitation. She moves from a large, open window and turns to see Justin entering through the doorway.

JUSTIN: The car is almost finished. Two or Three more things and we're in great shape.

ERIN: The sooner the better. Something's wrong here. No one has seen or knows anything about Christopher. He's been gone too long to have gotten lost.

Justin takes Erin by the shoulders and gently kisses her forehead.

JUSTIN: Relax. I'll talk to Jeremy and see what I can find out.

ERIN: I don't trust Jeremy.

JUSTIN: Well, I don't trust him, either. He is Christopher�s friend. Besides we'll soon be gone.

ERIN: And then you're as good as gone, aren't you?

Not speaking, Justin considers her words and gazes at her troubled face.

ERIN: Where is Jeremy anyway?

INT. COFFEE SHOP � CINCINATTI

Cory and Jeremy sit at a booth. In front of Jeremy is a big stack of pancakes and bacon, which he eats with gusto. Cory , on the other hand, just has a cup of coffee and a muffin. He seems far away in thought. The Waitress pours a refill for both men,

JEREMY: Thanks a bunch. (to Cory, who's nursing his coffee) Want some bacon

CORY: Naw, I don't eat pork.

JEREMY: Are you Jewish?

CORY: I ain't Jewish man, I just don't dig on swine.

JEREMY: Why not? Christopher thinks he�s Jewish.

CORY They're filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals. Christopher also thinks he�s Puerto Rican.

JEREMY: Bacon taste good. Pork Chops taste good.

CORY: A sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie. I'll never know 'cause even if it did, I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I don't wanna eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its own feces.

JEREMY: How about dogs? Dogs eat their own feces.

CORY: I don't eat dog either.

JEREMY: Yes, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?

CORY: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy, but they're definitely dirty. But a dog's got personality. And personality goes a long way.

JEREMY: So by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he's cease to be a filthy animal?

CORY: We'd have to be talkin' 'bout one fuckin' charmin' pig . It'd have to be the Cary Grant of pigs.

INTERIOR: GANTRY -- OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM -- REACTOR SHAFT

Helderheid moves along the railing and up to the control room.

Howard Dean lunges at her and Helderheid immediately raises her lit sword to meet Dean's. Sparks fly as they duel, Dean gradually forcing Helderheid backward toward the gantry.

DEAN: You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Kuicinich did.

Helderheid answers by rolling sideways and thrusting her sword at Dean so viciously that she nicks Dean on the shoulder. The black armor sparks and smokes and Dean seems to be hurt, but immediately recovers.

Helderheid backs off along the narrow end of the gantry as Dean comes at her, slashing at the young Jedi with his sword. Helderheid makes a quick move around the instrument complex attached to the end of the gantry. Dean's sword comes slashing down, cutting the complex loose; it begins to fall, then is caught by the rising wind and blown upward. Helderheid glances at the instrument complex floating away. At that instant, Dean's sword comes down across Helderheid 's right forearm, cutting off her hand and sending her sword flying. In great pain, Helderheid squeezes her forearm under her left armpit and moves back along the gantry to its extreme end. Dean follows. The wind subsides. Helderheid holds on. There is nowhere else to go.

Dean: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover you power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

HELDERHEID : I'll never join you!

DEAN: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Kuicinich never told you what happened to your father.

HELDERHEID : He told me enough! He told me you defeated his lame campaign in the primary him.

DEAN: No. I am your father.

Shocked, Helderheid looks at Dean in utter disbelief.

HELDERHEID : No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

DEAN: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

HELDERHEID : No! No! No!

DEAN: Helderheid . You can destroy the President. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the republic as father and daughter.Come with me. It's the only way.

Dean puts away his sword and holds his hand out to Helderheid . A calm comes over Helderheid , and she makes a decision. In the next instant she steps off the gantry platform into space. The Dark Lord looks over the platform and sees Helderheid falling far below. The wind begins to blow at Vader's cape and the torrent finally forces him back, away from the edge. The wind soon fades and the wounded Jedi begins to drop fast, unable to grab onto anything to break her fall.

INTERIOR: THE JP, OKLAHOMA

I'm Kayce yes I'm the real Kayce All you other Kayces are just imitating, so won't the real Kayce please stand up? Please stand up, please stand up?

INTERIOR: LESBIAN BAR

Christopher , the frozen slanderer, hangs spotlighted on the wall, coffin-like case suspended by a force field. The bounty hunter deactivates the force field by flipping a control switch to one side of the coffin. The heavy case slowly lowers to the floor of the alcove.

Boushh steps up to the case, studying Christopher , then turns to the controls on the side of the coffin. He activates a series of switches and, after one last, hesitant look at Christopher , slides the decarbonization lever. The case begins to emit a sound as the hard shell covering the contours of Christopher 's face begins to melt away. The bounty hunter watches as Christopher 's body is freed of its metallic coat and his forearms and hands, previously raised in reflexive protest, drop slackly to his side. His face muscles relax from their mask of horror. He appears quite dead.

Boushh's ugly helmet leans close to Christopher's face listening for the breath of life. Nothing. He waits. Christopher's eyes pop open with a start and he begins coughing. The bounty hunter steadies the staggering newborn.

BOUSHH: Just relax for a moment. You're free of the

Writer�s block.

Christopher touches his face with his hand and moans.

BOUSHH: Bitch, Please! Be quiet! Shhh. You have hibernation sickness.

CHRISTOPHER: I can't see.

BOUSHH: The priest told you that you�d go blind for doing that you know.

CHRISTOPHER: Where am I?

BOUSHH: Rosie�s palace.

CHRISTOPHER: Who are you?

The bounty hunter reaches up and lifts the helmet from his head, revealing the beautiful face of Betty, Already.

BETTY : Someone who loves you.

CHRISTOPHER: Mommy?

Betty bitch slaps Christopher:.

BETTY: Ha, ha Mr. Funny Man. I gotta get you out of here.

As BETTY helps her weakened lover to stand up, the relative quiet is pierced by an obscene HUTTESE CACKLE from the other side of the alcove.

CHRISTOPHER: What�s that? I know that laugh.

The curtain on the far side of the alcove opens, revealing Rosie the O�Donnell, surrounded by Troy and other aliens. She laughs again, and her gross cronies join in a cacophony of liberal glee.

Spritopias 1000 � Coming This September

Staring:

Erin, The Princess Royal, as Herself

Jeremy

Howard Dean

Two Justins