�Hallelujah! My mother still wipes my ass!�

Today I had to go there to pick something from the Police Department to finish the paperwork with the insurance people. I called ahead because the records department at the City Police Department closes at three and I am off work at three. Well, this guy needed his police report too so that he could get back into his house. It was to prove that he wasn�t a dangerous asshole for beating up his wife.

Well, Officer Bacon said, �I�m sorry, sir, we can�t give you that because the Records Department is closed for the day.� �But you have HIS record!� he said, indicating me and getting angry, �If you don�t give me my stuff I am going to kick your ass!�

Officer Bacon replied, �Sir, you�re not going to be kicking my ass, I�m behind this glass so please�� and was going to say something more when this wife beater grabbed my arm and said, �Fine, I�ll kick his ass.�

I thought, �hallelujah! I�m a hostage!� Showing their stupidity, the police capitulated and handed the records in return for my release. My career as a hostage didn�t even last five minutes. I was disappointed.

At School Today

We had the gayest * parent teacher conference today. It was like a bad after school special. This kid hit another kid at recess and then was involved in picking on a kid who cried and her mom flew into an understandable rage SO (gasp) his Mom had to come in to talk to us about it.

Well, after I explained what happened and why he was in trouble for it, it doesn�t matter. Just imagine that you�ve done something that is bad but normal for a kid your age. Imagine your Mom saying, �the next time you�re with your friends and someone is being bad tell them, �Hey, guys, my mom doesn�t approve of this � let�s do something else.� Why not, �Hey, my mom is definitely smoking crack/cocaine.� I would never have said to my friends that my mom didn�t think something was, �cool,� and I�m sure that is what made a lot of things, �cool.�

Or how about this? If he says this script she�s given him it will be heard like this, �Hey, I know someone better to pick on! ME!� I personally would rather have climbed up on top of the highest slide at recess and screamed, �My mother still wipes my ass!� or, �I wet the bed!�

I tell my students, �I was your age once too.� Sometimes I think their parents weren�t. Sometimes I want to say, �I am going to raise your child because while your heart is good your brain is rotten.�

It�s hard to do a parent teacher conference when you can�t help but stare at the needles from heroin.

*If it�s okay for you to call something �lame� then I can call something �gay.� As a lame person I don�t appreciate it.