SAMS Club and the Okolona Jihad
Thus, we went to Sam�s Club to buy me food for their vacation (as I was staying home) and food for their car trip as the Major (my father and our chef) who is diabetic needs weird things during stressful times (i.e. visiting his horrible bitch monkey of a biological mother).
Sam�s Club is retail pornography for men. Men like to hoard, men like to see things in bulk and men like to think that above all else we are getting a deal. I know that we will never need a #10 can of Starkist Tuna but should there be some sort of emergency where you cannot leave your home and you�ve duck taped your family into the Master Bathroom you will take comfort in the fact that your husband/father/ambiguous significant other went to Sam�s Club unattended. Unattended? Yes, you should never let men into Sam�s without their female counterpart. Danger! Danger Will Robinson
My mother pays to be a member of Sam�s Club. I say, screw that Sam, you should pay me to be in your damn club. But, as a paying member of Sam�s Club Mom doesn�t believe that the people who work there should have their children cavorting about, eating the samples and riding the machines. It isn�t Sam�s Daycare it�s Sam�s Pay-to-be-Here Club. I would never pay for friendship with someone. Even in Tori Amos tickets.
Another thing my Mom didn�t enjoy discovering was a bomb. In ninth grade we had to do a report on our mothers. I reported that my mother was a Columbia University Educated Israeli Commando. There are days even I believe this as I did yesterday at Sam�s Club where my Mother found and diffused a bomb that someone had disguised as a purse in the drink aisle where we were trying to figure out what kind of Iced Tea I wasn�t allergic to without calling Major Chef. I didn�t know that she could identify a bomb much less know how to diffuse it. The lesson learned is important however, don�t try and assassinate my mother because she�s one step ahead of you Okolona Jihad.
Okolona Jihad has been trying to kill my Mother for years. Her ties to the Republican Party and her High School Fling with then exchange student Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu make her a target. Also, we blame people legitimately trying to kill me on them.
We trolled into the candy aisle where I found a new, Asian, candy in a tin with a DRAGON on it. Yes I said and meant trolled, we were sailing a large shopping cart through the rapids of rednecks fishing for discounts and samples. I was not allowed to have the candy, as it was in a tin, You set off enough alarms as it is! says Mom. I was very disappointed.
The final thing I learned at Sam�s Club was that my life may be hard but I don�t have to buy Preparatoin H in bulk (or at all) and that is when you know you�ve hit rock bottom. I will never need to buy pregnancy tests in bulk either but if they sold condoms in bulk maybe the world would be a better place. Less populated but red doesn�t look good on necks and white isn�t a great color for trash.
For the record, I promised myself I would never do this but I have and I�m sorry.
