results certified
Trinity Sixty Three, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, and Paulsylvania, President of the Senate, held a joint press conference about the historic vote � providing Diary Land with its first democratically elected President since the overthrow of the Canadian Oligarchs, who had run Diary Land previously through a patronage system.
When asked about the inauguration of a note conspiracy theorist to the post of President after a sham impeachment, Trinity Sixty Three noted that she was the Speaker of the House and would not bring an impeachment to the floor of the House unless the President-elect had actually been President adding, �You cannot impeach someone for being more intelligent, funnier, and more popular than you are.� To which Paulsylvania added, �and considering how unfunny the President is, in person, is astounding that the jealousy would reach this fevered pitch. We were attacked not for a wrong we had done, but for who we are: a community united in a kinship of writing, committed to the notion that the people�s ideas are sovereign, and they are entitled to argyle, square eye-glasses and Chinese take out brought to their door. Do not be told otherwise, not by our political opponents. And certainly -- and certainly not a disingenuous diarist who would have us believe who would have us believe, my friends, who would have us believe that all kinds of inane conspiracy theories wherein everyone was a part of a secret plot to destroy the world. How can everyone be involved in a secret plot and it still be a secret.
Trinity Sixty Three concurred with, �Bitch, Please! That makes as much sense as Chewbacca living on Endor with the Ewoks! He is seven or eight feet tall and they are all under four feet. He�s the only one who can get anything out of Endor Disneyland and they won�t let him in until he puts on pants.�
Paulsylvania continued, �Endor Disneyland was the stupidest thing they did, it made Disneyland Paris seem like a good idea. The time to dispute the voting and bring it before the Supreme Court has elapsed.�
Even the President-elect�s primary opposition, the Diary Land Socialist Union, did not see the need for a recount stating that, �The President-elect is a right-wing nut job, but he was elected not on his politics but on his wit, his snark, and his uncanny ability to mix patterns. Besides, I�m his sister and blood is thicker than bullshit.�
The Teenage Angst Party of Diary Land cheered the announcement of the President-elect�s certification because of their support of the Vice-President-elect, Cree Patron � but more specifically her �running mates.�
Ghostiness, leader of the Teens without Angst and the ability to spell and construct sentences that reach the correct grammatical conclusions but lacking the ability to develop a party name that can have a witty acronym or one at all said, whew (A-Z Party) � a faction of PMS, said, �I live a life outside of Diary Land just the President-elect and really wish I could be left out of this.�
Nicky D, leader of the Long Island Hotties Party (also a PMS member) said, �I hate to be short with you, but I just graduated Yale not Junior High and look forward to the day when the President�s opposition can leave the eighth grade as well � if they go past the eighth grade at all in Louisiana. Even with my impressive diploma I cannot understand how someone living in a City second only to my own and Las Vegas�
Finally, Chubby Chic, the recently appointed Secretary of Grammatical Compliance, said, �did you really want a President who called people gay and didn�t realize it was intolerant? What did the gays do to be lumped with Christopias? That is just cruel!
The President-elect himself could not be reached for comment, nor could the Vice-President as �The People�s Court� was on the television.
Finally, the losing party gave its concession, which was a confused garble of Everclear lyrics and links to conspiracy pages on the internet. It did also admit that the whole issue of impeachments and parallel presidencies stemmed from the oppositions inability to field quality, intellectual or witty writing on an aesthetically pleasing web page and the fact that the president-elects page was better on its worst day than the opposition on their best.
The inauguration is scheduled for January 20, 2005.
