Artie Farty Had a Party
1. My original God Parents have been reduced to the level of �Baptismal Sponsor� while my paternal Uncle and his wife have been elevated to the status of, �God Parent.� When you�re morbidly religious these things are important to you.
2. My female Baptismal Sponsor, my maternal aunt, and I have had a falling out over the subject of my sister. As much as my sister and I don�t get along crossing her is crossing the Rubicon. You just don�t do it and expect me to forget it.
3. My maternal aunt, maternal grandmother and I also have falling out in regard to my loyalty to my mother. It�s a funny thing about living in someone�s uterus for nine months. You form trust and a bond that is difficult to break. Also, the grandmother and my aunt are wrong. Dead wrong. In preparation for the Church�s interview process I solicited from my advisor what my greatest fault was, I had two: honestly and loyalty. Those were also my strengths. Both double edged swords.
Well, this all comes to a point where I was trying to figure out where my respect for my Aunt, former Godmother, started to erode. I had set it at when she converted to get married.
I really disrespect that on so many levels. I would never subjugate my beliefs and values to marry someone, and especially the man she married. He is the consummate jerk, he makes me seem like I�m the Holy Pontiff, Father Christmas and Bob Hope all rolled up into one well-dressed package of a man. I guess she really never had a belief system in the first place since she�s chosen two new religions since marrying him (hence the reason she cannot be my God Mother, she doesn�t buy into it all of the time).
Another reason to adore my sister � she is the author and perfector of my Metrosexual Excess.
Well, the real reason to dislike this aunt is the following:
She considers herself the Uber-Mother which is a title I�d never give her but I would give to my Mother or my God Mother. It�s like they fell out of TV but I attribute it to their morbid religiosity.
Well, this is the aunt who took the place of our absent �dirty uncle.� Every family has that relative who teaches the kids to curse, tell foul jokes and sing those charming little ditties that children are so fond of, like:
Artie Farty had a party/All the Farts where there/Joe Blow let one go/And they all went out for air.
Like I said, charming. Well, now that she�s a mother she seems to have forgotten all of that, lucky for us that my parents are stalwart Germans and have not, and find it amusing when other people teach her kids these things. They don�t, be we enjoy it that this vital part of their education is being bestowed upon them by able others.
Well, the point at which my respect for this woman started to erode was when she decided to marry her husband and told us we could no longer sing that song, not that we did. I�ve always been a prude. She married someone named Artie and so this was no longer funny. It wasn�t funny up until that point, that�s when we discovered her character and what a flawed one it was.
This aunt is also the second biggest gossip in our family, bested only by her brother who can create some elaborate fictions about just about anyone, but they always include being possessed by demons and secret plots by the Democratic Party. He�s a nut job. Mine and my sister�s always include a lot of sex that we�re apparently having. I wonder sometimes if he�s met me, I�m clearly the oldest virgin on record and potentially the most sexually frustrated person on earth. I always counter his delusions by admitting to it all. I had sex with Hillary Clinton and Mother Theresa but Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) is carrying my baby and it will be the Anti Christ.
Always remain on top of such relatives and their gossip. Admit to everything and offer proof. He asked me once if I had sodomized one of my friends and I said, �No, I�m always the goalie � on the field or off. Want to see the video?� See? I�m a genius.
Anyway, that�s where my disrespect for Aunt is from. My uncle, it�s clear he�s crazy.
I�m at my parent�s house for the next couple days and their dog hates me. Read about Buddy�s tail and why their dog should and does hate me.
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