Spritopias XVI
Freedom of Speech
I am hereby revoking the Freedom of Speech of anyone over average American life expectancy. This decision came today while I was at my second job (how did you spend your Spring Break?) and someone complained to our manager that they had mopped.
Can you imagine complaining that someone mopped a floor? They did. I am amazed because old people are interested in telling you, at every opportunity, how they were better than you are, way back when. I was horrified to hear that, �Back in the day, we were dirtier than you are now!� The Golden Age of Bacterium and Disease!
I was on break and so was the other manager, I was listening to my iPod (primarily because I have one, and you don�t) and when I saw the head honcho coming to the back with a mixed look of disgust and anger I took my headphones off because I was hoping that someone was going to be fired (Trump style) but instead she related that the old people who populate her restaurant where mad that someone had cleaned it.
I told her to march back out there and check their driver�s licenses. If they were over the average life expectancy then they were not entitles to opinions. Anyone over the age of 80.36 years for women, 74.63 years for men was on borrowed time and resources, robbing us of resources such as oxygen and thereby not entitled to express their opinion.
Still, working at my second job is better than last Spring Break. I was supposed to watch the cousin of somewhat professional athlete fame compete and hang with Mary (Full of Grace), instead I buried my Grandmother and contended with the joy that isn�t extended relations.
Benedict XVI
I was excited to learn about having a German Pope. I am 100% German, so I am filled with ethnic pride and borrowed nationalism that one of our own is now the Supreme Pontiff.
Even if he is a Bavarian (read: Barbarian) and for those of you who have not been to Germany and do not know � Bavaria is the Alabama of Germany, clich�s and all. I was born in Alabama, and I feel free to deride it because everything is dirtier in the South. My parents are from the Northeast (read: the First World) and much of my childhood speech therapy was directed at eradicating the speech patterns developed during the four non-consecutive years I spent in Alabama, over such problems as stuttering.
Imagine my poor German/Jewish mother with me as a baby � fending off people trying to call me, �Bubba,� and then later in life hearing from someone who used the word, �y�all� that I had a speech impediment because I add the letters a, r, and w to words (and the White House) at inappropriate places. Seriously, she would rather we said something like �fuck� or �cunt rocket� than �y�all.� We are from New York, we talk through our noses and breathe through our mouths (that is why the smell does not bother us).
I am happy with this choice, I would have preferred the Cardinal from Nigeria, but I was not invited the Conclave nor the Funeral, and I still harbor bitterness about that fact.
What I was unhappy with was that my online annoyance took it upon himself to contact me with this hate toward the Catholic Church, the new Pope and everything general that I hold dear and Instant Message me. I could have cared less and told him so, but additionally I am tired of people who just spew hate and unhappiness without doing us all the favor of being clever, insightful or funny. Being entertaining while being hateful is the Christian thing to do.
Aric � Purveyor of Paranoia
Today at work, I was incredibly disappointed because I would enjoy having a nemesis more than having a friend; someone to have vaguely friendly and hostile t�te-�-t�te with and the person I assumed was mocking me was apparently just being polite. He would have made an acceptable enemy. Damn you, Aric.
Instead of being evil, he turned out to be clever and endearing, announcing about our foreign-born boss, �It is a good thing we can only understand half of what he says because we would be even more disgusted if we understood everything.� Our boss, for the record, would make Senator Kennedy and Associate Justice Thomas blush with his sexual innuendo/harassment his use of English often causes him to feel the need to explain what he said when we don�t laugh thinking we did not understand him when really, it was not funny.
He also gave someone the finger as they left the drive-through, which is something that I would love to do and is on my list along with visiting the British Museum, going white water rafting in the American Southwest (I have done that in the Alps), having sex, and seeing the pyramids/tombs in Egypt (not all at once).
I am proud of him that he did that, and I am happy he didn�t moon them � which I have seen done but the problem with that from a drive through perspective is that you get full frontal nudity if you are a coworker as opposed to the intended rear view, that is often missed by the person for which it is intended. Thank you, Aric, for showing us that you had the balls to do what you did, without showing us your balls.
Later he announced to everyone that I was a virgin � because I have not smoked pot � but he did this in such a loud way that I was assured that he can definitely swim in the snark tank with Eva and I (my grandest hope for any coworker). And, yes, I have never smoked pot. My best friend is a police officer and my other close friends include: a Catholic Priest, more Lutheran pastors, educators, and clerics than you can shake a crucifix at and librarians. No one gets wild like Librarians; right Marie?
Mac OSX - Tiger
My sister is getting me Mac OSX Tiger for my birthday � available in mere days � and from scouting about at Apple.com for information about the new OS it is decidedly, on a hotness scale of Golda Mier to Kipp Mohr, definitely a Natalie Portman with a chance Kipples in the early morning and late afternoon.
This excitement, of course, only prolongs my (now record setting) virginity and (well earned) loser status but as an aficionado of all things Macintosh, it is incumbent upon me to purchase and enjoy these things.
