maybe we always saw right through each other anyway

This is a long one kids: go to the bathroom, grab a snack and settle in.

One of my friends from my public school teaching fiasco got her divorce annulled. They are the fifth couple in the history of our commonwealth to have that done. I think that is strangely romantic in a post-modern, I do not have cable television kind of way. I am happy for people who are happy.

Princess, don�t tease me with a giant, golden Buddha

Someone once commented, probably Paula, that I was firecracker. If I am a firecracker, my sister is the Fourth of July. Do you remember in the 1980s when President Reagan reopened the Statue of Liberty? Originally, as a Republican New Yorker (displaced) that sentence read, �Do you remember when the President reopened the Statue?� Well, if you remember when the President reopened the Statue, those are the fireworks that would embody my sister, the Princess.

Apparently, the Princess was taken slumming by the Major (our father) and they went to a flea market. At this flea market, my sister found something she wanted to get me and my father would not let her. My sister is twenty-four so I cannot imagine what she found that my father would assert his fourth commandment authority to tell an adult no. She told me that it was a Buddha from a Chinese Restaurant: big, gold, and obese.

Honestly, few things would make me happier than this Buddha. I am not Buddhist but who could pass something like this up? Sure, it would be a bitch to dust and I would have redecorate my entire living room around a graven image but it would be worth it.

She also allegedly found and was not allowed to acquire for me: a church pew, a bust of John F. Kennedy, and a steamer trunk. Having my own church pew would cause me unreasonable happiness in allowing my germ phobia to reach new heights as I brought my own pew to church. Who does not need a bust of JFK in their office, and should the Titanic sail again I need to be prepared.

I do not know who my father thinks he is telling my sister that I do not need a gigantic, blinging Buddha. �No one wants his apartment to look like a second rate Chinese Restaurant.� You can take your patriarchal tone and bite my shiny metals ass. I was not going to paint the woodwork black and the walls red, yet.

And my sister said it was the fattest, happiest Buddha that you ever did see.

Christopiasmas

~or~
I give presents so I get thank you cards in the mail

Today marks one year of me living in Connecticut, it also marks two years of golfwidow being a non-smoker, and is the day that Kip and Paul get the famous Kipp/Paul albums. This calls for some sort of celebration. I was going to call it Spritopian Independence Day but the official view of this office is that moving out of Dad�s house was stupid.

All Emo-laden teens who read this and long for your own Bastille Day where you are broken from the paternal penal complex and set loose on the world: You are dumb. Stay home! Stay home as long as you can! Living on your own is not all that it is cracked up to be!

It will be Christopiasmas because that is the nickname granted me by Ezi and %%dairy-el-guapo%% with �mas� on the end which means, �Holiday where we give presents.� This takes the holiday away from an intended meaning at makes it about what is really important: me, giving me presents, and me. Spritopher Clause gives kick ass presents too, I hope you did not piss him off (which your probably did, he is a real bitch).

The Kipp/Paul Album, Available Today

This is the listing of the awful music that is on Mp3 spinner, the starred songs are ones I listen to and if it has a + then I bought it because a song that awful fit in with the rest of the music.

This is the product of scouring several �one hit wonder� collections, admitting to owning crap and figuring out iTunes. Album titles are from Kipp�s Sub-Profile.

Limited Edition, KIPPAUL � CD Set.

This picture of Kipp should be on the cover. I was too lazy to make a cover.

�Boobs For Bush!�

Disk One: Cause really, what's more important than my hair?

1. Hawaii Five-O, The Ventures
2. Take On Me, a-ha
3. Go Home, Barenaked Ladies
4. Once Around the Block, Badly Drawn Boy
5. I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself, The White Stripes*
6. Next Time, Barenaked Ladies
7. Learn To Fly, Foo Fighters*
8. Crazy in Love, Beyonc�
9. Call and Answer, Barenaked Ladies*
10. Banana Boat (Day-O), Harry Belafonte
11. Electrify, The Beastie Boys
12. Stacked Actors, Foo Fighters*
13. Blame It On the Tetons, Modest Mouse
14. Nasty Gir, Nitty*
15. Dancing Queen, A*Teens+
16. Let's Get Retarded, Black Eyed Peas+

Disk Two: No matter how many times I go down on him I just can't enjoy it

1. French Connection, Simon Stinger
2. Eye of the Tiger, Survivor*
3. Da Da Da, Trio
4. Seven Nation Army, The White Stripes*
5. Another Postcard, Barenaked Ladies
6. Gopher (Mambo), Yma Sumac
7. The Air Near My Fingers, The White Stripes
8. Stay, Cyndi Lauper
9. The World at Large, Modest Mouse*
10. Sex and Candy, Marcy Playground
11. Body Movin', The Beastie Boys*
12. Pinch Me, Barenaked Ladies
13. Mambo Craze, De-Phazz
14. Ch-Check It Out, Beastie Boys

Disk Three: I want a robot dog. I want two boyfriends. I want pancakes.

1. Shoebox, Barenaked Ladies*
2. Blue (Da Be Dee), Eiffel 65
3. Float On, Modest Mouse
4. A Little Less Conversation, Elvis Presley*
5. Hula Hoop, Dan Licht
6. Intergalactic, The Beastie Boys
7. Gimme Stitches, Foo Fighters *
8. You'll Think of Me, Keith Urban*
9. Superman, Five for Fighting
10. Enid, Barenaked Ladies*
11. Write This Down, George Strait*
12. Next Year, Foo Fighters*
13. Coconut Water, Robert Mitchum
14. Everything to Everyone, Everclear*
15. Slauson Shuffle, The Tiki Tones

Disk Four: Her religion has point-scores much like Street Fighter.

1. Breakout, Foo Fighters*
2. Satin in a Coffin, Modest Mouse
3. It's True That We Love One Another, The White Stripes
4. Double Trouble, John Williams
5. I Wan'na Be Like You (The Monkey Song), Louis Prima*
6. Eye of the Tiger, Survivor
7. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
8. Mmmbop, Hanson*
9. Jump Around, House Of Pain*
10. Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit Of...), Lou Bega
11. O.P.P., Naughty By Nature
12. I'm Too Sexy, Right Said Fred
13. Hawaiian War Chant (Ta-Hu-Wa-Hu-Wai), Ella Fitzgerald
14. Say You'll Be There, Spice Girls
15. Wonderful Now, Everclear*

Remember kids, Country Music is just Emo sung poorly and a little big of Ghetto goes a long way. Please note that song 16, Disk one is one of the Campaign Songs for Kerry/Edwards, only the less offensive verision of "lets get it started," Don't worry, we know what you mean.