a job I don't want, a joke that isn't funny

I would hate to be a bar tender. Those people have to put up with a lot. There are always strange animals such as horses, chickens, cows, ducks, and camels and/or people like Rabbis, Imams, Priests, Lutherans, Chinamen, Mennonites, Ethiopians, Black people, Pollocks, Mexicans and members of Polka Bands not to mention the random mythological creature like a leprechaun, genie or sphinx and then the inanimate objects that have been personified such as a rope, a piano or horseshoe coming into the bar completely unwanted and if people aren�t coming their brat children are pranking the phone. That is one hell of a sentence. Wow.

Who does it fall upon to ask them to leave the fine drinking establishment? Not the bouncer, she is so LAZY. All she does all day long is watch HELLO KITTY and talk to her boyfriend on her Hello Kitty cell phone. The bartender must interrogate these people, ask them to leave and occasionally show them the door in the most forceful ways. Don�t even ask that bitter waitress for help. She�s either busy or on her break.

That isn�t the way it should be! Bartenders are supposed to be like the ones on Cheers, full of advice, witty comebacks and a story for any situation. They are supposed to get all the women and have an uncanny relationship with the pickled food under their counter. They aren�t supposed to be abused in this manner.

I shall never tend bar.

Ten tips for enjoying your time at a bar:

1. Do not accept wishes from strange genies. If it isn�t your bottle, don�t open it.

2. Do not go to the bathroom with that leprechaun no matter what they offer you. Your sphincter is your friend and you should respect his feelings.

3. Do not get smart with the bartender, one of these days he�s going to snap

4. If she looks like Dolores, smells like Dolores and walks like Dolores you don�t want to meet her clitoris.

5. Adam�s Apple = Bad.

6. If �Bart Simpson� shows up on the caller ID, don�t answer the phone.

7. Don�t eat pickled food.

8. Don�t accept a fish sandwich as a gift.

9. Don�t eat parts of the pig you wouldn�t normally eat or cannot identify.

10. Leave while you can still walk out on your own.

Betty Already is the Diary of the Day.