Tom Greene doesn't have a catchy dity for this cancer, so listen to Katie Couric
I don�t know that I�d post her colonoscopy in my diary but I like how my diary makes the people who know about it nervous. At any moment your mishaps or quips could be immortalized into a tiny notebook and stashed away for later use.
I�m really working on a novel and this is the practice for that event. I�m testing plot lines, dialogs and narratives to see what actually makes sense and what is really funny beyond the, �I guess you had to be there!� context.
This is not an elaborate work of fiction. This series of melodramatic maladies does happen. I look back on these stories and wish that I were making it up. I wish that I were embellishing my truth to sound more interesting than I really am but I�m not. Some of it is clearly made up, Paula doesn�t leave babies in bathtubs, date Canadian landscapers or sell marijuana out of the back of her 1989 Pontiac Grand Prix. Kipp doesn�t tear her shirt off in Italian Bistros or burn people with cigarettes; she does kick my butt in Scrabble. Hard.
Now, let�s get back to my cousin�s colon. She was looking for someone to drive her to the hospital and I have a week off of school. No one wants to take someone to the hospital in so far in that it�s not what you dream of doing. You don�t sit around at work, daydreaming of waiting rooms and nervous anticipation of other people�s well being. Most decent human beings are more than willing to go to the hospital with another person when they need you too.
My cousin is also a proud person and wasn�t coming right out and asking and since she lives hours away from any of us she didn�t want to inconvenience anybody. I kept ribbing her that she didn�t want to spend two hours in the car, alone, with her mother. As much as I love my mother very truly and deeply I wouldn�t want to spend two hours alone in a car with her. For me, personally, a colonoscopy would be a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. Living in a person�s uterus for nine months tends to build a profound sense of loyalty between the tenant and uterine proprietor. We had been there seven months and had worn out our welcome but I am still profoundly loyal to my mother. I would never tell her that a two hour car ride sounds like going through the drive window of hell.
Finally, my cousin acquiesced to her mother (my God mother) taking her to the doctor. Those of who have sane parents need to appreciate them better. Some of our parents would do anything for us at the drop of a hat. The fact that my parents have allowed me to live for more than a quarter century without opening the car door and shoving me out onto the freeway, �accidentally� feeding me something that I�m allergic to or selling me to gypsies is a testament not to any quality of mine to but there enormous magnanimity. You have to stop and wonder, �Did I make that word up?� It�s not be a quality of my own that I�ve lived so long and it�s not the hope of future earnings that they�ve allowed me to continue, I�m figure skating on the thin ice of grace.
I hope her colonoscopy results come back with excellent results. I should really go in and have one. We should all have one but colon cancer, if this isn�t terribly ironic � what is, runs rampant in my family on both my mother�s and father�s side. Having a case of the ass isn�t just something I choose but something I�m destined for � it is a gift from the Lord. In the Stewart family you may have your head up your ass but really, you�re just making sure it�s all right.
Our old get together and compare how much colon they�ve had removed this year and how much they have left. It�s like thirteen-year-old boys in a locker room. I never participated in the latter and I don�t plan to participate in the former either.
I�ve just not made it in to have a colonoscopy for twenty-three years because for the last couple years it�s been my friend�s mom who is the specialist who�d do mine and after all these years I haven�t gotten over my friend�s dad doing performing my physical exam. No, knowing that women endure something much worse than men DOES NOT make it better.
Teachers abhor excuses! Have your colon violated, that doctor needs to pay his mortgage and you need to preserve your health. Colon cancer is a stupid way to die; we should all strive to die tragic or humorous deaths that are worthy of a good story. Be driven off a bridge in Chappaquiddick, be run down by South Dakota�s only congressmen, fall out a window at a frat party or eat beef that the FDA has failed to regulate (cough-cough connie-cobb) but don�t die of a medically preventable malady. But, don�t listen to me, listen to Katie Couric.
*My Grandmother currently holds the family and Minnesota state title for having cancer the most times (seven) and having the least colon without one of those unsightly bags. WAY TO GO GRANDMA!
