OH MY FLANNERY O'CONNOR - Special Edition
This had to be consigned to the �Restricted� or �Private� entries for a long time do to the fact that this offends so many people. I don�t really care, I changed some last names and now it�s post-able again. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. The originaly still rests, with only slight Stalinist Improvements, in the Restricted Section. As Dr. Renea says, "cheers."
OH MY FLANNERY O'CONNOR
In an attempt to spread the anti-Gospel of Atheism, Debbie Lines Leader made an announcement that the Bible has been replaced by �THE COMPLETE SHORT STORIES OF FLANNERY OCONNOR� sighting the fact that �it�s more interesting and infinitely more clever� according to Debbie Lines Leader. Christopher Stewart and Justin Linde are now considered theologians being the only people who have read it. �Who wrote it? Flannery O�Connor! Flannery O�Connor is someone we can all believe in!� Deb said, �I look forward to Justin and Christopher misquoting this author and book, like all other things, to their advantage.�
�BUT WE STILL BELIEVEI IN JESUS!� Christopher and Justin protested �WE DON�T WANT TO BE THEOLOGIANS, THEY�RE BORING LIKE GOLDA GOUDA.� and with that Deb had LP throw them into the belly of Golda Gouda � that foul smelling daughter of a bitch � where they were tormented with tedious and dreary conversation and the camaraderie of spineless parasite drones for what seemed like twelve awful days. The torture was unbearable. They cried out to Edie to save them of for Darla Judd-Felony to shoot them. No rest or respite came to them � all kinds of breaks and lunches were behind thanks to the fact that Justin and Christopher had been gone so long.
Finally, while shopping at Mire, Kayce heard their cries for mercy and indifferently threw her bowling ball at Golda Gouda � that wretched, backstabbing bitch monkey from Planet Whore � hitting the feminine behemoth squarely in her massive gut causing her to vomit up the two associates onto the U-Scan where Christine Butler, holding the board, said �WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING! WHERE HAVE YOU TWO BEEN? Bitch, please we�ve been waiting for you for SO LONG that Linde Jesse has died and risen again three times, we even have a holiday for that shit called �SUPER SATURDAZE!� Get your tills and then your asses on lane before Kathy has a vacation in Gatlinburg � I mean a heart attack. Wendy could be heard saying, �Don�t make me get out of my chair� from her office liar. Christine Butler proceeded to ask Wendy, �Have you gotten up out of your chair yet today?� Wendy replied with, �Bitch, please. You know I don�t stand up if I don�t have to.�
Unfortunately, Golda Gouda � backstabbing bitch monkey from Planet Whore � had other plans for the boys and caused them to become encumbered with one of her spineless parasite drones NO CALL/NO SHOW before she released them from her bowels. NO CALL/NO SHOW was an especially tiring version on the spineless parasite drone because it would spout of other people�s jokes and continually stab its victim in the back. It�s debatable � which was worse, the constant stabs in the back or the recycled humor.
Our heroes, while smarter than all others, were fooled by Golda Gouda � that foul daughter of the mother of all that grows between Rose Gibson�s loins � and were trapped into the lies, LIES fed to them by NO CALL/NO SHOW nearly destroying their bonds of cynicism, sarcasm and intellectualism. The dreadful parasite NO CALL/NO SHOW wrapped itself around their legs, their social lives and crept into the hearts and minds of those who loved and trusted them. It seemed as if they were going to start �acting weird� and beat each other in a fit of white trash rage. Their friendship was on the brink of chasm that not even the beauty of Mrs. Pam Robinson or the Purity of Edie Parton could close.
Things seemed beyond hope when a bright light shown forth from the parking lot and Edie Parton � Pure Woman � appeared and said �Hey, y�all!� the heavens opened up, a giant pterodactyl flew down with Penni and Mongo Lloyd on it�s back for wherever Edie is Penni is sure to follow. Mongo Lloyd, the youngest son of Patrick Lloyd was Penni�s newest lover and the pterodactyl was his gift to her when they started dating.
When the pterodactyl landed Penni spoke, �Edie, her my friend. Her pure woman. Justin, him my friend. Christopher, him my friend. Mongo, him my lover, not NO CALL/NO SHOW. It a terd. Golda Gouda, you a terd. I see you in court.� With that they were all transported to the Coliseum in Rome. There all were assembled in the gallery to watch Penni and Golda Gouda in court, TENNIS COURT.
The Coliseum was filled with Mire employees and hangers on. Christopher and Justin � dazed, confused and uninterested by the parasite were sitting in listless boredom courtside. The cash office staff could be seen with a giant cloud of smoke hanging over them, they were sitting by Darla Judd-Felony who was helping them create the cloud. Darla and Denise were cheerleaders together at Fairdale High School � which is also Penni�s alma mater � and were cheering for Penni using pom-poms that looked like bundles of cigarettes and loads of fowl language. Brenda Richardson and Elizabeth were cheering in sign language �Mongo, Mongo, Mongoloid�I want to be a Mongoloid� to the sheet music �Macho Man.�
Linda�s dead body was propped up next to the Lau Chang Box where Grace was telling the crowd �EXCUSE ME MA�AM, I AM TALKING. GET OUT OF MY LINE OF VISION! I AM SENIOR! I AM THE PRIORITY.� Camille and Wayne were waving giant Red Flags and screaming Communist Slogans in support of Grace and her Seniority. Michelle and Bo E Tu Brutus went about selling fish sandwiches to raise funds for the medical bills and Prozac fees that were sure to follow after our heroes had been exposed to the parasite for so long. Ryan and Mary were supposed to help, but they were busy in the parking lot.
The team leaders also showed up � because of the cigarette pom-poms � in gray togas to fit the Roman theme. Cart pushers took the opportunity to stop working and came in to watch what was sure to be the shortest athletic contest in history. Systems added rickshaw attachments to Wendy�s chair (that she still had not risen from) and the Cart Pushers brought her through the outer ring of the arena to wave at the crowd. Wendy however protested the speed of the lap and the exposure to sunlight.
Penni looked smart in her tennis outfit, smart and ready to play a match to the death as she entered the arena to �Chariots of Fire� and the cheers of her fans. Golda Gouda however had dressed in the manner of an English School Boy � complete with the wide straw hat and blue ribbon and entered the arena to Weird Al Yankovich�s �Girls Just Want to Have Lunch�.
Michelle Beswick and her personal property and Savior � Jesus Christ � entered the announcer�s box to the cheers of the crowd and a rain of written notes with people�s personal business on them. Debbie Leard pointed and said �ITS JESUS CHRIST! I DON�T BELIEVE IT!�
And Michelle Beswick spoke: �Hey Y�all it�s Michelle Beswick with�BITCH, PLEASE! I know you didn�t just boo me. Jesus you better take care of before I have to break a sweat�anyway�today we are here to a Tennis match between Penni Lloyd and that two-faced, back-stabbing bitch-monkey from Planet Whore � Golda Gouda!
Jesus replied to that comment, �Michelle, remember �let he who is without sin cast the first stone��
�Christ Almighty! Who owns whom? You said,� Forgive Michelle her trespasses as she talks about those who trespass against her.� Michelle retorted, getting a little annoyed at the outspoken deity. Jesus stuttered, �That�s not what I said�I said�� Michelle had about enough at this point and said �Who owns who? I hold the copyrights on you and the Bible and before I die and rise again I�ll be sure to have people write a book that promotes what a wonderful person I am too! They�ll call it � The Tabloid of Beswick � a New Testament to Her Knowledge.� Divinity, Please! Whatever, TODAY, today we are here to watch Penni Lloyd and Golda Gouda in Tennis and I know who�s gonna win��
��don�t ruin the ending� implored Jesus. �Savior, Please� replied Michelle, �The Revelation of Jesus Christ to Saint John�I read your book and you tell the ending at the end of your book and I�m not giving up the ending. I�m just rubbing it in that I know and they don�t.
Before the action (and inaction on somebody�s part) began Penni and Golda Gouda faced Wendy and said �Hail Wendy, we who are about to stand up from chairs salute you.� With that Wendy gave them a thumbs-down.
Penni has great athletic skills. Penni soon crushed Golda Gouda in the tennis game, a monumental achievement and the only one in which someone can legitimately say, �I crushed Golda Gouda.� Penni waved to the adoring crowd before starting her game. Penni had been informed (in writing) by Brenda that the only way to defeat Golda Gouda and her spell on our heroes was to humiliate Golda Gouda in public�this could have been done simply by asking her to form a grammatically correct sentence free of expletives but Penni doesn�t do anything that isn�t big.
Penni served well and would have been prepared to return Golda Gouda�s volley but Golda thought that her racket was a lollipop and ate it. Penni, who is by no means an unintelligent donkey*, took advantage of this and continued to play the game alone, wining the court challenge and freeing her friends. At the end of the match Penni stood on Golda Gouda�s tired carcass and yelled, �REPRESENT�
Upon hearing of her loss in court all Golda Gouda could say was �I�m disappointed�this lollipop tastes like crap!� However, Penni�s plan worked because in defeating Golda Gouda in a court she was able to break the bond between NO CALL/NO SHOW and Justin and Christopher, causing the spineless parasite to fall off of them and writhe on the ground. Samantha and Amanda came by and put it in returns and Kelly mopped up the mess. With that Penni stuck her tongue out and flew around the stadium twice with Mongo on her pterodactyl; shouting to the adoring crowd �YOU MY FRIEND! YOU MY FAN! YOU TELL JENNIFER NEELY THAT HER GO TO RALLYS AND GET ME A BIG BUFFORD!� Golda Gouda stomped out the coliseum � causing an earthquake in Japan � cursing and screaming. BAW.
Our heroes were comatose from the boredom and monotony of the NO CALL/NO SHOW parasite and it took Edie�s pure and holy light to waken them. �Y�all had better wake up, the world is to quiet without you!� The young men didn�t respond and Mrs. Robinson came down and her seductive prowess combined with Edie�s purity a roused the boys from their unholy slumber. �Boys, boys,� Edie said �It�s okay for you to be friends and to believe in my uncle Jesus Christ, savior of the World and personal property of my good friend Michelle Beswick � all rights reserved or you�ll get bitch-slapped and talked about.� Justin woke up first, looked into Pam�s eyes and said �Mrs. Robinson � are you trying to seduce me?� �No, Justin. You did that yourself.� Pam Robinson replied. When Christopher awoke he asked, �Is that Edie or the light at the end of the tunnel?�
Justin and Christopher looked into each other eyes and apologized to each other and then shamelessly embraced in front of the crowd, at that moment Joy�s boyfriend Saddam Ahmed Mohammed Kareem of Amish Wheat came running onto the court and handed Justin and Christopher both box cutters and they promptly slit their wrists and died. Kelly again mopped up bloody mess privately thanking God that it was just blood.
Mark Koenig cried out from the crowd, �Why did that have to happen� and Michelle Beswick flipped her hair and said �OH MY JESUS! Everyone knows that a good story about Justin and Christopher has to end in either homosexual activity or suicide and a really great one will have both. But let me tell you, if it were true I would be the first one to know. I bought Jesus Christ on E-Bay and I know all the juicy stuff before it even happens. This is a work of fiction and if you cant� understand that then you�re too stupid to make fun of Mickey. OH MY JESUS...let me tell you what is going to happen tomorrow��
* A persistent and unheeded criticism of this page is that it uses too many big words and phrases. Bitch, please. This page isn�t for idiots. I said that Penni was by no means an unintelligent donkey instead of saying �she weren�t no dumb ass�
