my friday, a tragic comedy in four parts
Politics
I am declaring a holiday. The Thursday after any Federal Election will henceforth be known as �November Fool�s Day,� for all of us whose candidate won the election and then expect our natural opposition to stop being so bitter and partisan. I was not bitter the day after Bill Clinton ascended the Presidency in 1992. I was not happy to see a Democrat ensconced in the Oval Office, but it was the will of the Republic. For good or for ill, the citizens of this Republic have chosen more electors that support the incumbent President than those who do not. Channel your negative energy away from friends, family, and coworkers and into activism to prevent the death knell of your party.
Part Time Work
Today I was assigned homework at my part time job. I felt like my whole life was rewound to when I was in High School and on the receiving end of that oppression. I was assigned homework from a part-time job. I am aghast. When I am finished here, I will go read the paperwork.
While at my second job one of my coworkers posed the rhetorical question to another one, �James could you stop being an ass?� I replied, �No more than I could stop being white.�
My part time job is a great place to work if you are illiterate or do not speak the English because everything is color-coded. However, if you are a literate, college-educated adult who happens to be color-blind you are lost in a color-coded, text-free world.
In case you are ever caught in public with me and we encounter a white man with long, brown hair and matching beard, I will assume that he is Jesus. If you are the white man with long, brown hair and matching beard, I expect that hair to be clean and the beard to be free of crumbs and you should expect people to assume that you are the Christ. Do not be alarmed by your route being covered in palm branches or for people to ask for a miracle or two.
Yes, Kipp, I put in a good word for your injured nipple. I did not want Jesus to think that I selfish.
Friends with Cancer
One of my friends discovered a lump this week and will go to a doctor next week to have it looked at. My friend�s biggest concern is how to break this news to their family. When women discover a �lump�, we call it a �routine self examination� when a man finds a lump on their testicle, it is called �masturbating.� I hope that he, and his beloved member, is okay.
I am currently helping him develop a way to tell his parents and girlfriend. I think eh should hold this off until he knows if something is wrong or not. I also advised my friend who is not as familiar with the dictionary and thesaurus as I am that saying, �I was jacking off the other day and felt something strange�� as that was how he broke the news to me. We are not close enough for me to be given that much information and I am sure his very Catholic parents and girlfriend would like to hear it phrased differently.
He also made me promise not to write about his testicular malady.
Blanche, you ignorant slut, this isn�t Golden Girls
Today the teacher who mocked my cheesecake tried to apologize by saying, �Sometimes I get the impression that you don�t [sic] like me very much.� I said, �We are coworkers, we have to be polite and helpful to each other, there is no prerequisite of friendship or felicity between us.� I use �felicity� like I were John Adams. The Preschool staff said that the cheesecake was the best damn cheesecake they had ever had, that means a great deal coming from a junta of Italian women. To my fear of cheesecake baking, Julia and I say:
Well, I told the music teacher that I did not hold her personal opinions in high regard so her nasty comments left no impression upon me; I was more offended by the audacity and ignorance of gossiping in my parent�s native language and the presumption that I was so dense as to miss what was going on. She said that I should apologize for calling her a bitch and I told her that I would not because I was standing behind what I said.
