I was using it as an adjective, not a verb!
Today started like any other day. It was an immediate disaster.
The power went out some time in the night last night. I�m sure I could extrapolate that time but as I�ve not reset my clocks yet from this unfortunate event I cannot. This morning, as is the case most mornings, I was roused from my slumber by the steady stream of recovering drug addicts who congregate outside my apartment until the Hard Hittin� Methadone-o-mat opens and gives them their hit.
The funny thing is that I had no idea what that was and when they were giving me the tour of the compound when Emily and I first got here and Emily kept giggling at people�s reaction to me not reacting to it. They probably thing THAT is why I�m late for work every day (every day), I�m over at the clinic with my homeboys (and girls).
Well, this morning they were late getting me up and the alarm hadn�t gone off. So far this week this has happened twice. You can't count on recovering drug addicts for anything, can you? Yesterday morning as I raced around my apartment trying to get ready for work I tripped over my vacuum cleaner. Knowing this last night I didn�t bother to move it. The vacuum is stationed in the living room, where it is never used � it just hangs out there. I don�t have a lot decorating my apartment and the vacuum is doing his part to give the place character. I also need something to prompt blaspheme before my coffee in the morning.
Well, in my rush today I did get a shower unlike yesterday (and if I plug myself I have to plug Kipptuplets). When I raced back across the living room I glanced at the battery-powered clock and realized that if I hurried I would have time for breakfast. I was elated and would have kissed the clock but I can�t remember the last time I cleaned it and since it was a gift I don�t know where it�s been.
Where as most people are looking at stomach bi-pass I am looking to get a second stomach. My Dad�s a chef and my mother is a Chocolatier (I know Erin, Chocolatier Extraordinaire), food is a big part of my life and I like it a lot. I�m not sure if I�d miss my feet if I never saw them again.
As I was rushing across the living room I did a pirouette over the vacuum because I noticed it this time and I can pirouette better than Kristy Plander. I do anything that I do better than Kristy Plander as often as I can because when you can do something better than Kristy Plander you do it, a lot. I can bake a cake from scratch, make frosting from scratch and make a white sauce that would make Julia Child dig up her mother and backhand her. Kristy can out men the men. I, by contrast and despite my vacuuming, am the consummate Nineteen-Fifties housewife.
What was I talking about? Getting ready for work!
So, I go into the Master Suite, which I only call it that because my closets are individually bigger than Emily�s room, (I live in New Britain, she lived in Madison � she had the better deal) and start to get dressed.
Laura Ingalls Wilder teaches us over and over that haste makes waste. In trying to get dressed I popped two buttons of my new shirt, blew up the hem on my pants and noticed that there was dog hair all over my sweater. Today was chapel, which means I have to look nice and also wear something that isn�t dry-clean only. If Michael Powell were in the room he�d have substantiated that I am allowed to use the words I used because they were being used as adjectives, not verbs. Despite my linguistic genius I�m sure Dr. Renea would not have allowed it.
Several articles of clothing were fired today (don�t hire a union wardrobe, life is harder that way � I�ve tried). Sarah, you�re the habitual winner of my closet cleansing. Sarah Brill is strangely connected to Sarah Emo . Sarah, look for your mail � all over Seward since I don�t have your correct address. I promise these pants haven�t been peed on. They never got the chance.
I had to change my week plan of what I�m going to wear for today and ended up dressing in an outfit that makes me look like an Irish bartender, according to my God Mother who knows more Irish bartenders than James Whatley (and that�s saying a lot). My mother hates this outfit and it was ironed and ready for tomorrow which is picture day. I have a feeling that tomorrow is a day to just stay in bed already. I would say that this week couldn�t get any worse but I don�t want to tempt fate, we don�t get along. Murphy�s Law is Christopher�s Gospel (a Lutheran joke - sorry), it gives me the faith and hope that I will live another day to survive another disaster so that other people won�t have to.
In the end did I get breakfast? No, I didn�t. I went to work hungry and since I live where I work I don�t get to have the Mc Indigestion the rest of you can get on your way to work. I did, however, scope the poor box for breakfast bars or a cereal that is good dry. Don�t even kid yourself that I didn�t actually do that. Where do you think I got the Spaghetti-O�s for lunch? Exactly.
The aforementioned Kristy and Sarah, along with the Good Doctors, have just returned from Europe and Kristy commented that, �the only thing missing was you.� Well, if you want someone to cause an international incident, be harassed by Homeland Security or have some other tragic episode, I guess so but even I wouldn�t be insulted if I left me at home. You should have no scruples about just sending a postcard. Come to think about it, I don�t have a lot of scruples about many things at all.
YOU have to love the Federal Communication Commission; I however despise anyone who is more ridiculous than I am. This entry is dedicated to the Princess, my sister, who reminds me not to complain about an Administration that I�ve worked so hard to place in power, and will again.
You can get your Kristy Plander fix at these fine locations:
Why Kristy is a bad father (and rebuttal) , Kristy is my ex-husband, Kristy�s big package, Nate on tractor, Kristy Invades Iraq and Korea, Whatley for Governor, I did something better than Kristy, and James Whatley for Supreme Overlord or Earth, or, Dog Catcher. Whatever works for you.
I also talk about Sarah Brill a lot but I don�t make fun of Sarah Brill (the only person to ever beat me in a debate to which I will admit loosing) but I can�t find the links as I didn�t use her last name a lot.
I�ve plugged a lot of people in this entry and as per my contract: Kipp is good for you, just like cigarettes, guns and other products whose proceeds feed Republicans.
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