some lights seem eternal
in this springtime of hope

GNFPWLBN

March 12, 2005
Good news for people who love bad news: I am back.

Thursday, during The Apprentice, my Grandfather called me three times and I did not answer the phone because I watch three shows on television: The Apprentice, The West Wing and Arrested Development and I consider that time just like church or bathroom time � you cannot be on the phone although I have taken phone calls in church. In my defense, I did not recognize the number and thought it might be Jesus but it was just Alex. Jesus is a Republican, it made sense that he would have a Beverly Hills phone number. I called him back on Friday, my Grandfather not Alex or Jesus, to find out what he wanted while I was watching someone�s humiliating dismissal from a mediocre reality television show.

In October, when I was back in New Jersey for my Aunt�s funeral (to which I was not invited and did not attend), I stopped by to see him and collect my inheritance (a Deluxe Scrabble game and a Civil War vintage pocket watch) from my Grandmother who had died the April prior when he also gave me her jewelry box to divide up between three of the five female granddaughters. When I went to my parents house for Thanksgiving I gave the box to my mother because I have no taste in jewelry, nothing in the box holds any value above �sentimental,� and one of the three girls supposed to receive something from the box is in the Peace Corps, so it would be unfair for me to divide up her belongings and it would be more unfair to do it while someone was out of the country.

He called to get the box back so he could give some of the things in it to his new girlfriend. For the math impaired, and new readers, my Grandmother has not been in the ground a year. She has not pushed up her first daisy (appropriate because she detested them) and already he is having her ring resized. My Dad said, �I am not going to call her Mom,� which would be really stupid of him, he called his own mother �Old Lady.�

I told him that my mother, who he does not like, has the box and he would have to ask her for it. It is really a bad thing to tell the old racist that his much-detested Jewish daughter-in-law had what he wanted because he will now have to talk to my mother and I know as well as anyone that it is not a fun thing when she is angry at you and I have the safety net of her maternal good will. We are all disappointed that I did not give the box to his very much-detested Catholic daughter-in-law (my God Mother) because he is afraid to talk to her.

I can only imagine how that would go down and now I am disappointed I will not get to witness it.

Also, on Thursday, while my students were in their computer class typing up a report one of my fourth grade girls screamed at her computer that she wanted her period right here, right now. Only my fifth graders giggled at the awkward pronouncement. My fourth graders have not had sex ed yet but when they do I am sure they will be duly horrified. I know I was and I was down the hall.

On Friday, we baked for the bake sale here at home although I had planned to do that baking today. According to my doctor, I almost have OCD so disrupting my plans, my sense of order, and my organization is traumatic and while I can deal with it, most of the time. However, I have been trying for two weeks to be gracious and handle myself well but I lost it today and had a panic attack because of the general disorder in my home right now. I am in the process of righting the wrongs inflicted on my cleanliness and order. I know I do not dust but I consider that living on the wild side.

Also, on Friday night, we found a vibrator when we were rummaging around the donations to the church's tag sale in a bad time to not have your camera phone with you or your camera charged. It was in the box and clearly from the fifties or sixties by the styling on the packaging. People have been in the room where they keep the donations all day long so I have not had the opportunity to go and take a picture of it. I did not touch it and my sister, who was on the phone with her friend at the time, declined to smell it for him. I used to manage the social ministry/thrift store for a church and saw a great deal of erotic paraphernalia so I am up to date one what a lot of things are even if I am the most virginal person on earth otherwise. Really, whom does not need a second hand butt plug? There is something to said for the weirdo who donates that to a church, another thing to be said for the person who buys it from a church.

It is time to fold laundry and regain control over my emotional health.

I will be back tomorrow because �it feels so empty without me.�

7:24 PM :: 7 comments so far ::
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