watch out (here I come)

I was pleased to hear the Michael Jackson verdict. I was worried about our legal system in America when they sent Martha Stewart to prison. As another journalist noted, �I feel safe knowing that Martha Stewart is in prison while OJ and Kobe walk the streets. They found the one woman in America who wanted to work in the yard, cook and clean and threw her in prison.� This is America; we should not be locking up rich, white women. Michael Jackson had no business being in prison; Michael would have gotten nothing out of that experience.

Imelda Marcos, that pillar of international society, bastion of restraint in the face of materialism, and all-around rational human being was quoted as saying that her faith in our legal system was restored. Jennifer Hill, Pillar of Seward Society, could not be reached for comment.

in other news
I am fully engaged in my graduate program and have arrived at the University. Seward has the distinction of being the place in the United States where I have spent the most time living, after Nebraska is Long Island.

Being back at college is a surreal experience. The University has physically changed, but the soul of the place I entered as a freshman nine years ago remains. The biggest change is the attitude of person taking the classes.

I worked harder than my classmates did as an undergraduate but that is not necessarily something of which to be proud. It took me three minutes to move the preposition around that sentence so it did not end in one. I was still incredibly lazy, but if you counted the hours I put into preparing for debate my grades would have reflected my actually having been in the same state as the University. This time I am going to knock it out of the park, I am paying for this degree because the Major paid for the last one.

My trip here was not a ramble through the roses however, it was punctuated by my mother laundering my cellular phone in my pants (I should have cleared my pockets first, it is my fault) leaving me phone-free for the most arduous part of any journey to the Midwest from my old Kentucky home � crossing Indiana and Illinois (pronounced Ill Annoy because you are bored to death before you get a chance to pronounce the �s�). Thank God (or whatever demon you worship) for all the iTunes gift certificates that you all sent, because without bad music of my own to counter the lack of phone or radio in those �I� states.

I traveled to Saint Louis from my parent�s house where I went to the Saint Louis Zoo with my friends Amy, Melissa, and Nancy Pants. As much homework as I had to do, I had to see the Saint Louis Zoo for this important reason: it is free. �Free is for Me!� I was enamored by the penguins and puffins. Everything else was as bad as it smelled. Saint Louis was a million degrees in the shade, the penguins are not only the Patron Avatar of Golf Widow�s Ministry of Silly Walks but they are my hope and salvation. I would have died had they not been there. Next time I say I want to do anything outside in Saint Louis in the summer, shoot me.

After the Zoo, they announced the Michael Jackson verdict. Nancy and I were so excited we danced on the top of Melissa�s husband�s SUV � this was comical not just because I fell off the SUV but because people thought it was Michael Jackson when Nancy (whose skin is adverse to the sun) got up there and danced. In fact, a crowd formed cheering Nancy and expressing their support for her cause. People were practically throwing their sons at her, which is not uncommon.

Tuesday, I drove to Nebraska and I have been here since. Wednesday, classes began and I am in class from eight in the morning, until five in the evening. My favorite part of the class (so far) was that almost every teacher came in and presented the professor with an excuse for not having done their homework. I would have given anything to have taped this, it was rich: Teachers with terrible excuses for not having their work done. Mine is that I taught until Friday prior, I work two jobs and drove four days just to get here. I did my work, and left it on my desk back in Stepford. Also, I went to the Zoo and hurt myself falling off an SUV celebrating the Michael Jackson verdict.

So far, to be honest, the best part of the graduate program is that someone else is teaching. My first Professor is so incredibly funny in this dry, intelligent humor that makes me think that I am getting a live show with Golf Widow, who is that funny in person and perhaps funnier.

The worst part is that the Mid West is so different from New England, and Seward is that much different from Stepford. What is socially acceptable back home is socially except-able here. I am by contrast, less charming, conservative, and fundamentalist. To own the truth no one here thinks I am funny or charming, and that is the hardest part.