some lights seem eternal
in this springtime of hope

Spritopias: the Anti Job

April 26, 2005
Just a coincidence
Did crime go down in the 1990s because abortion went up in in the 1970s? Or, was that just a coincidence?

These questions were asked today and I have to answer them. Crime went down in the 1990s because television back then was awesome. Currently, I am engaged in Turn it Off & Tune In and cannot watch TV, making my nostalgia greater with each passing moment, but it was the improved television programming in the 1990s that brought down crime.

It was not abortion, Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich or the fear of getting a good tech stock tip. It was TV. We were on our couches, valiantly holding them down and bringing ratings up.

Get My Geek On
My students are doing surveys for a math project where they have to find practical applications for math since I, as their teacher, could not think of any off the top of my head. One group is asking people if they plan to see Star Wars: Episode III and if they do, will they be going on opening night.

One of the teachers, the bearded one , gave my students an earful about how teachers are so poorly paid that she can never afford to go to movies. I was insulted for them, they have already learned that she is a heinous bitch and should be ignored.

I told them I was going to, �get my geek on,� and go to the movie, on opening night if possible. They asked if I would take them too, I demurred because, �there is not room for you, me, and my costume in the car.� I am not, for the record, wearing a costume to the movie and would not do that because I work hard at not being one of the many people I mock.

I never understood wearing a costume to a movie. You are sitting in the dark, most likely: alone. Is the purpose to scare the other movie patrons into not sitting by you, thus preserving your primogeniture over the armrests? I had a t-shirt that said, �I am a Virgin.� That was more comfortable than their costume, which essentially says the same thing.

The Wake
I went to the wake today for the aforementioned young man who died. Those are always hard, primarily because I never know what to say (but am expected to say) and the person is in the room. At my wake just put a picture of me out for people. I prefer this picture and if you cannot remember that have Alex Vance do some photo-shop magic.

[Any Eye For] The Bolton Guy
Dear Mr. John Bolton,

Thank you for your interest in representing the United States in the United Nations. While I have no problem with your being critical of the United Nations, or your complete inability to get along with anyone in Washington, London and (alarmingly) Tripoli. My problem is how you look.

I realize that you, and your brother Michael, are famous. Famous people are given a wide breadth in the fashion spectrum; they can tailor their appearance in any way they wish. Queen Elizabeth II and Barbara Bush I come to mind in this instance, no one but someone you would not dare criticize would dress like that. Pauly Shore and Carrot Top come to mind as funny looking kids who we tolerate because they are not just funny looking, but funny. Adrian Brody and Meryl Streep come to mind as ugly people who are excused on basis of great talent.

Mr. Bolton, sir, you (and your brother) lack all of these things. You are neither: above reproach, funny, nor talented. This leaves only aesthetics to save you; they abandoned you long ago. Let us be frank, sir. You were only �chosen� for the job because you are the only person with an R by their name that would take the job, for that matter the only person who would take the job in general. Being George W. Bush�s representative at a world body must be as cool as being Monica Lewinsky�s new boyfriend. You bring new meaning to the bottom of the barrel.

Do us all a favor and stop uglying up the news. It is enough that we have to see Barbara Boxer and Pope Palpatine on the tube, but what did we do so wrong that we are being punished by having to look at you? Remove your nomination from the Senate and keep whatever job you have now. Even I would make a better choice for UN Ambassador than you do, and I refuse to recognize Canada�s independence from Montana.

Sincerely,
Christopias Spritopher
President of Diary Land.


9:27 PM :: 9 comments so far ::
prev :: next