All this, all this can be yours.
First, and foremost, I went to the Apple Store and left with my purity intact. Honestly, if they let me walk out of there with something snazzy if allowed myself to be publicly humiliated or defiled in some way, I would think about it a minute and then ask someone to take pictures so you would believe me.
Jennifer Neely (hallowed be thy name) says all the time, �You have held on to your virginity for so long that when you finally lose it, it had better be worth it. I am afraid that your are going to throw it away for a neat pair of Nikes.� I corrected her; do not worry Colleen. I told her, �Adidas, Jen, definitely Adidas.�
A girl who works there said, �Bono is so hot,� seemingly out of no where, I replied that I could count to four in Spanish and knew how to take direction from Maximillia.� That went over like a lead balloon. Luckily, the person who sold me �the same computer Al Gore uses!� was there to help me buy new ear buds for my iPod (three years, three pairs).
Then I went to Hallmark to get a card for my friend whose son died this weekend (read previous) and while I was walking by Victoria�s Secret (she�s dating Aric) I was calling Kipp because the mannequin looked like her and I bowled a dwarf across the mall.
She was coming out of Victoria�s Secret and was not watching where she was going, and I was walked right over her. You should have seen my fall, I went over her and landed on my back and must have pushed out with my feet, scooting her across the Mall. She got up, and was really irritated but before I could apologize said, �Watch where you are walking! There are people down here!�
It is normative that I take credit and blame for all catastrophe within a five-mile perimeter of myself, but she was rude first so I replied, �I should not have to look at my feet while I walking around the mall.� Several teenagers, who had refrained from laughing at the initial entanglement then starting laughing. This put the First Lady of Munchinland into a huff, causing her to stop off. She looked like an angry, albeit tiny, rhinoceros. Then, while I was walking away she came back, and kicked me hard, on the back of my ankle and shuffled off. I got my ass kicked by a dwarf. Yes, Nicky, she had �dwarf face� as you have described it.
I think she broke my pancreas, too.
Then I went to the grocery, where I discovered a new power. I already knew I had the uncanny power to pick the one in three Pepsi bottles that had a free song from iTunes in it, but what I did not know was that I could talk other people out of their songs.
I was in line at Wal Mart on another occasion and then today, I convinced someone to give me their free song in addition to the one I had just won. People are generous if you are persuasive enough. I feel like I should give back after people are so generous but Kipp and I have no respect for chumps.
If only people were so giving of phone numbers and dates as they were for free songs off of iTunes, I would be set.
At Urban Oasis, I talk about National Turn Your Television Off Week. To wit, I am a hypocrite. If they suggested a "turn off the internet week," I would counter with, "kiss my ass."
