start & land on the balls of the feet
I just informed my sister that I would not be eating something because it was not Kosher. I have no idea if cumin is Kosher or not but I have a good idea that it does not belong in my mouth. She insists that I eat it all the time. I am only Jewish by ethnicity and one of my coworkers � one that does not hide her anti-Semitism � said that I do not look like a Jew; I agreed that I did not � not with my pants on anyway.
This summer I am traveling to Nebraska, where the Democrats are Republicans and the Republicans are Nazis, I am sure to be the most liberal person in the state for the entire time I am there. I am getting special Birkenstocks for the occasions. I will also be in Colorado and Texas as I sling shot across the republic from New England to Nebraska and back.
I cannot believe I am leaving the First World to spend time in the Midwest, but I will be brave. My friend who lives out there was offended that I am no enamored with the Midwest but I am not a fan of places where you cannot drink the water and your cellular phone does not work. I mean, it is okay if that is accompanied by white sand beaches and the sound of the ocean, however Nebraska does not even touch clean water and has less people than all of Hartford.
Alex Vance reminded me that I was going to a place where siphoning gas by mouth is prohibited by law. Not only that, but in Colorado they put that on the gas pumps. That means someone had to do that, get hurt and then sue over it precipitating the labeling of gas pumps.
I think that is a bad idea. If someone is so stupid as to siphon gas by mouth, let them; if it takes one more stupid person out of the gene pool, hallelujah. How far do we really need to go to protect idiots from themselves?
Yesterday at my second job, I was working the front counter and my least favorite customer came into the store. I dislike the person on the principle that he is rude to his senior citizen mother at the same time he expects to be treated well because he is a senior citizen. Anyone who is that rude to his mother is the dirt beneath our feet.
The other reason is that he has a terrible toupee. In general, I think that wigs are reserved for ladies and children with cancer. This man�s toupee makes him look like an extra from Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (staring Gene Wilder). I am a vain person; I will never deny that in seriousness. There is no excuse for a bad toupee. If you are going to wear a wig, do not wear a ridiculous wig. His attitude angers me so much that it saves me from laughing at his wig.
Have you ever seen a wig that did not look like wig? Some women can pull it off, but men have no such luck.
This is my edict: no toupees and no comb-overs. If you are bald, wear a hat or rock being bald. Rent out the free skin as advertising space and get �Dr. Pepper� tattooed to your noggin. Schools in the Dallas area allegedly rent out their roofs as billboards if they are on the airport�s approach vector for landing aircraft. It is very clever, must more clever that someone fell for the idea this dude�s toupee.
My boss put me on �pain of death� that I should not take his picture and post it on Buzz Net. Alex Vance, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
