some lights seem eternal
in this springtime of hope

Beware the Ides of November- the Greatest Entry Ever

November 15, 2004
Dancing Queen, Redux
I love my students. One of them just started singing, �Lolly, lolly, lolly get your adverbs here, lolly, molly, golly, get your adverbs here!� WHILE THE DARE OFFICER WAS TEACHING. I fear the DARE officer was a tad bit late for that child. But, she is our Dancing Queen. That was Spritopias Classic if anything ever was. Check that one out, come back.

Power Ball Beneficiary #2145 � Golf Widow
When I win the Power Ball, Golf Widow will get a drum set and a PIBH member to follow her with it to rim shot when appropriate and another one to hand out buttons when someone gets snarked. I could hand out the buttons but I am not good at rim shots.


It would be funny when she was at work and we were just sitting there while people milled around her cubicle but it would be hilarious when she was in Stop and Shop and I was following her, pushing a drum set in a cart with someone ready to play it.

STOP AND SHOP MANAGER Ma�am, is that a drum set?
GOLF WIDOW No, its an albatross. drum set rim shots See what I mean?
STOP AND SHOP MANAGER Ma�am it looks and sounds like a drum set.
GOLF WIDOW Sir, I assure you from where I stand this is an albatross and those two gentlemen are a double eagle drum set rim shots

Eventually, Golf Widow would begin to feel like Darth Vader with the constant rim shots and bludgeon us to death with the drumsticks. That is fine, considering there are no car pool lanes in Connecticut and we would be of no help to her on I-95.

And though nobody knew his name, they all recognized the potential he possessed
I am done with my Christmas shopping. Sure, I have spent more on myself during this process but I am done with it. I got my sister an iPod, Dad a new briefcase, and Mom picked out her own present � which was a pitcher for the purpose of inspiring jealously in the hearts of others.

I have the whole month of December to myself, I do not need to go in or near a shopping mall except if I work for Mom at Thanksgiving or bring her lunch when I am home to visit her and my father.

One of the things that I got myself today, and thus securing the gift with purchase briefcase, was a new � you guessed it � argyle sweater. This one is black base, charcoal, and grey argyle. When I walked into the store the saleslady won my heart when she said, �I love your sweater!� The sweater I had on is a brown base, orange, and oatmeal argyle. Compliment me on my argyle, win my heart and your sale. I am the easiest John in retail, you have no idea.

This is where I tried to impersonate van Gogh
Today I got my haircut. The rude woman who does a great job cutting my hair was there but, apparently, the incompetent, attractive girl has been fired because a new person was in her spot. While I was getting my hair cut by a third party the rude woman who normally cuts my hair was doing a personal interview/get to know you chat with the new receptionist. During this conversation, the rude woman and my equally rude, nosey self learned that the new haircutter/receptionist is thirty-one and has two children, a daughter who is 16 and a son who is eight. The rude woman asked the new woman, �your daughter is sixteen?� To which the new woman responded, �I had her when I was fifteen.�

Then the rude woman asks if the daughter was a mistake. This is where Giovanni, who cuts my hair, nearly cut my ear off because I craned around to watch the altercation in progress properly instead of pretending to not watch in the mirror. Unfortunately, the sudden movement put my ear in the middle of Giovanni�s scissors while he took turned in shock at the woman�s words. The new woman just looked at the rude one and walked off, I would have taken off the woman�s head.

My comment on getting my haircut was going to be, never get your haircut by someone with bad hair. Never fear, dear Reader, I am willing to sacrifice myself to tell a good story. I was going to watch everything as it happened, I am completely, utterly disappointed that reason prevailed and something worse did not happen.

Speaking of altercations, at my fast food part time job, there are old people who occupy the center bank of booths in the dining room. They buy very little but make their best effort to alienate and chase out any customers who do come there to pay for food and then eat it.

Yesterday, a family who was buying food with the intention of eating it in the store came in ordered food, placed it on the table and went back to fill their drinks. During this time one of the nastier old people of the geriatric jihad threw out their food because the family should have known, in their reasoning, that this section was reserved for old people who pay for a fifty cent coffee and drink that all day long, absorbing valuable retail space.

I call them geriatric jihad because they are rude as hell to our little Muslim boss, claiming he attacked the World Trade Center, pushed cripples off cruise ships, and ruined the Munich Olympics. They told me this and I snarked back, �He is not smart enough to be a terrorist, if he were he would not be schlepping burgers in New England, beside that - you had enough fun at the Berlin Olympics.� He may be the Arab Gary Coleman, but he is not a bad man.

Then, in putting the icing on our cake, the OLD WOMAN comes and complains that the young, and she did say �wiper snappers�, were being abusive to her. Imagine her horror when the Manager said, �you need to pay to replace their food or I am calling the police, you do not own this store, the booth or have the right to throw out people�s food because they beat you to your seat.� She announced in return, �This is not how you treat customers, I am a SENIOR citizen � I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.� At this point, I was laying on the ground making comments to the effect of, �Look at me, I�m a door mat for the old!� or mocking her in other ways. I was told to get up and remake the family�s food.

By the time the food was made the old woman�s sister paid for the other people�s food, we replaced the food, but old people had invaded that booth and we not going to budge. The young family, being tolerant and hungry, expressed gratitude for the refunded money and free food, and promised to return even if the old people did not � although the y promised too. Too bad the rude old people will forget this, they are probably there right now.

Christopias and Kipples Strike Back
I went from having a nice, grown up conversation with my friend in Oregon to having a phone call half an hour later informing me that not only was a friend from college getting married, but the friend on the phone and I were most likely not invited. Ignoring the absurdity of me not attending weddings to which I am invited, I am going to crash this wedding.




coming soon to a wedding reception near you

Turn down the charm and crank up the sass! It�s on, oh yes, it�s on. You do not, not invite me to your wedding because while I boycott weddings on principle I still send extravagant gifts, and become irate when not included. The point is, Vanessa, that even crazy people like be asked Those people have no idea what is going to hit them. Kipp and I will hit that small, Midwestern town where I went to college like a herd of buffalo, tornado, or other appropriate metaphor for Nebraska.

It will not be the worst thing we have ever seen:



But it also will not be pretty. Kipp and I throw wicked tantrums on our own, who knows what we could do when our powers combine? I would not ruin someone�s wedding or reception but I will make it interesting. Kipp and I cannot help but he interesting. I may be straight, and Kipp may look sober, but we can really Jack (and Karen) it up when we need to. Watch out world, we may just work up enough ambition to get off the couch.


Now, let us gaze upon Delta Burke :



So, maybe this isn't the greatest, but I think it's pretty darn good.

8:18 PM :: 5 comments so far ::
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