I gotta go see a doctor about this itchy W shaped rash
Today I went down to New York to get two things for my mother. She wanted the elephants made of chocolate by Godiva Chocolatier to celebrate the Republican Convention. She also wanted a button from the convention � if that were possible.
I drove down to New Haven and missed my exit because I am bad with directions, so I visited West Haven this morning as well as New and North Haven. I went to all the Havens and none of the Havens helped me today when Golf Widow caused me to get roughed up (twice) by the �liberal� protesters in New York City. I will get to that later.
I also nearly wrecked because Jessica Simpson was on the radio and when I should have been merging, I was changing the radio station. Say what you want but you cannot say I do not have my priorities in gear. I will not have my brain warped by that peanut.
I went into New York shortly after the morning rush had ended. I enjoy riding on trains. Trains, especially commuter trains, seemed to be filled with people with purpose. The people who were talking were using inside voices, even the people using cellular phones. People listened to their iPods at a volume that kept their music to themselves, people read books and magazines, did a crossword puzzle, or worked on lap top computers. It was like being at Starbucks but with Baristas.
Inevitably, I bring chaos to order. No, this is not where I get roughed up.
This was for the first two stops. At the third stop on the line, some more people got on the train. Someone my age boarded the train, and sat by me and started talking to me about my book that I am reading, the conversation turned to iPods (we both have them), where we went to college, stuff we did in college, and other things that people my age talk about, namely that there was a girl our age on the train who was possibly the most attractive human ever.
It is also important to point out at this point out I was sitting in the seats that face each other. I was hoping to put my feet up if the train did not fill up and if it did then I would be able to have an awkward public transportation conversation with my fellow passengers. While the guy I was talking to was friendly, goofy (I am as well) and social he also looked like he feel out of a Gap ad. He also had perfect teeth; I have never seen teeth so nice on another real human being.
At the next stop, a beautiful African American girl boarded the train and sat in our section. She pointed out the perfect teeth and Gap-like physique. Her name was Maria, and she wore too much perfume and her hair care products had an overpowering smell. I thought to myself, �I will never accuse porktornado of fixating on hair care products again. I should apologize to him even if I have only thought it. Maria explained to use that she was going to be in a commercial. We all shared different acting experiences, she elaborated that she was an extra in a crowd.
At one of the stops the train made, someone else our age got on. He did not fall out of Gap ad. He had the same build as I do, meaning: he needed to fall into the gym and then the dentist. He sat with us, next to Maria. He started talking to us and at first it was pretty normal but then he started to get weird.
I am about to offend some of you: I am not saying homosexuals are weird � I am saying this guy, who happens to be homosexual, is weird
Maria was fixating on Gap Ad�s teeth and mentioned to Mario (the newcomer to the group), �Doesn�t he have perfect teeth?� Mario responded, �I like ALL of him. I could eat him up and go back for seconds.� He then cataloged what he found attractive about Gap Ad and some of the various things he wanted to do with Gap Ad. I thought to myself, �No one is going to believe this, but I am going to repeat it.� I was lost in my own thoughts when the Mario linked Gap Ad�s attractiveness with his prowess in bed and the size of his feet*.
I jumped in at that comment with my own, �Why do we assume that people who look good are automatically excellent in bed, and that the men wear a larger shoe size? I have had sex with Kipp Mohr** and let me tell you � it was nothing to write home about; I bet he is not even a good kisser.�
Mario responded that he would be the judge of that, Gap Ad looked at me and said, �You think I am not a good kisser?� He then proceeds to put his hands on my face and make it look like he was giving me a kiss that would get us an MTV award. Once I figured out there was no kissing action I stopped resisting and used my meager acting skills acquired in college to try to make the kiss look real.
Maria looked like she was going to laugh � she knew what was up � Mario looked stunned. I said, �I take most of that back.� Gap Ad then fixed my hair, which was just as awkward as the face kiss. Mario got up and left, with much incredulousness.
When he was in the next car, we all laughed.
When we got to Manhattan we all said good-bye and wandered about our business.
I went to Godiva, and ordered Mom�s candy. It would take two or three hours to be ready so I could come back then. I then decided to go check out Madison Square Garden and see what was up around the convention. Maybe I could find Mom�s button.
I did not find a button for Mom but I did meet some of the delegates � one of them let me take his picture. They were really nice people. There were no buttons to be had.
I then decided to go the Scholastic Mother Ship and get things for this upcoming school year. On my way, I wandered into a group of protestors. They were not protesting yet but they were preparing for it.
I am not going to bad mouth liberals but these people and most of the Anti-Bush crowd specifically and the Democratic Party in general is not liberal. It is leftist. Liberals are open-minded. Democrats and the anti-Bush brigade do think you are entitled to your own opinion � as long as it agrees with theirs.
I was wearing my Golf Widow Pretend Internet Boy Harem button on my backpack. Where I put it when I received it. I had no idea that it would cause the leftists to start showing me around like I was on some horrible after-school special or worse yet, if you have seen the movie, Kids where they beat the life out of someone in a park in New York City.
Thank God for the United States Army and thank God for Secretary Ridge raising the terror warning putting them on that street corner. Oddly enough the group of all black soldiers came over thinking it was a gaggle of neo-cons attacking a Kerry supporter.
This turned out to be ironic for several reasons. First, no one supports Kerry � the oppose Bush. The Kerry Campaign Chair has even admitted that no one really supports him at all. Second, leftist protestors are usually violent and always filled with hate. Leftist politics may plagiarize Dick Cheney and chant, �Hope is on the way,� but they have no hope; they only have hate. I forget the third one due to grammatical acrobatics.
The soldiers rescued me and I talked to them for a little bit. That is why I know they thought it was neo-cons but also admitted that they had spent more time protecting innocent passers-by than the protestors themselves this week. They asked why did not fight back. I did not fight back because first of all I was in shock that his was happening. The second reason was that this is what would be reported if I fought back, �Conservative School Teacher attacks CROWD of peaceful protestors.� The soldiers initially disagreed until I posed the question, �What if you had been the one being pushed around?� The replied, �Black man attacks crowd of white children.� Exactly
I went to the Scholastic Mother Ship, got school supplies and returned back � this time circumventing the square where I had been attacked but was accosted by another group, saved by the same soldiers. They pointed out that today was not my day.
I took one for the team, just not Team Bush. I took one for Team Golf Widow. GW owes me some props.
I then called Kipp and used said my fowl words I wanted to say. I do not hate the free expression of ideas or protesting but the left has proven in Seattle and Washington protesting the IMF that they cannot protest peacefully. They proved to me personally today that they cannot do it in New York either.
I then called another friend and diarist, Marie. I was mistaken in my idea that she would be free at that hour. She called me later and we chatted about it. I did not tell my mother until I was safely back in Connecticut. She was worried with the leftist�s record on �peaceful� protest, my mouth, and the terror warnings and asked me to be careful while I was in New York.
Only I would get beat up on, twice, by people promoting a pacifist agenda.
Those fools will all vote Kerry thinking war will end and the troops will come home. I would like to see our troops home, no longer needed because the world is living in peace, but I know that is not going to happen. Too bad they do not know that, and too bad they do not know a penguin from an elephant, Golf Widow from George W. Bush.
* Feet are often used in the Old Testament as allusion to genitalia. Several scholars dispute this but noted Theologian Leah Harmon responds, �Jonathan Brandenburg, do your toes have foreskin?�
** a total lie, there is no truth in that statement
