a long ride on the short bus

I went to my part time job yesterday to see if I was on the schedule after being on vacation. While I was there, Lily was on drive through and sang to the people, �If all the rain drops were lemon drops and gum drops, oh what a rain that would be!� And our boss, Little Saddam said, �STOP DOING THAT!� Apparently, Lily will sing this if you are being an ass while she is running drive through. Lily is unstable, she responded, �I DIDN�T TELL THEM TO FUCK OFF, DID I? WHY DON�T YOU FUCK OFF AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.�

If all the rain drops were Lily saying �FUCK OFF,� oh what a rain THAT would be.

I am on a strict financial diet and plan. It is called the Joyce Carol Oats Plan for Financial Success, well not really Joyce Carol Oats but I cannot give the name of my financial advisor out on the internet for fear some freak would harass her. We dated in college; she has had her fill of freaks.

Whenever someone catches me trying to spend money they ask, �Is that on the �Joyce Carol Oats Plan for Financial Success?� I then have to justify my spending. It is a pain in the ass but so is not being prepared for retirement. I am not going to change my own diaper.

Well, on Friday the Kerry campaign called asking for money. They have a lot of nerve doing that, I bought ketchup; what more do they want from me? They are not getting my vote but I did politely tell the kid who called, �I am sorry, giving money to John Kerry is not on the Joyce Carol Oats Plan for Financial Success but perhaps he could marry an heiress if he needs money. Have a nice day, good luck!�

Emily, who Elizabeth and I listed to as if she were Yoda, told me that John Kerry is connected to Heinz Ketchup, ketchup has carbohydrates, carbohydrates are bad for you. John Kerry is also bad for you and is potentially evil. When I hung up the phone I wanted tator tots.

Today I went down to my office to see my secretary. I do this every day to check my mail and my messages. I found out that I might be getting another student in class, a girl. Currently I have two girls in my class, both fourth graders. This girl is the sister of one of my fifth graders and will be in fifth grade herself. I only had one girl between both grades last year so this situation sets us up for a lot of fun this year, I get to have something we missed out on last year: girl drama.

If you have one girl in your class, she will set her self up as the dictator of the classroom. If you have been reading here a while, you know all about the charming young girl in my class last year. I adore her but she could be a right monster. If you have two girls they tend to be best friends, giggle annoyingly, and get along. If you have three girls, you have a teacher�s worst nightmare: cliques.

This is, exactly, how it will go down. All three of them will start out as friends but due to the miracles of IM, e-mail, phones, and carrier pigeons, gossip will start. Someone will say something about the other one and then two of them will be friends and the other will not be in the group. The two girls who are in the in and the one on the out will oscillate throughout the year and I will get to not only referee the girls but their parents as well.

I think I will just tell parents on the phone, �I have a penis. This is not in my repertoire.�

Boys just do not do this. This is scientific fact that boys have different social patterns than girls do, I have a minor in adolescent psychology so I think I am God�s gift. Boys may have someone that is their, �best friend� but that is just a label. It does not carry the connotations that it does in Girl World. Girls are interpersonal, Boys move in packs, gangs, or herds. When boys have an interpersonal problem we beat the crap out of each other and either over it or find a new herd.

The clean sweep continues! Wish me luck!