I want a pair of shiny guns to wear in holsters
If any of you know where I can get a sassy, talking car, please let me know. I would like a car of German make that has a mouth like a sailor. It should also know where I want to go because I am always lost.
I have been asked to stop listing myself as an inmate on my out going mail. It is coming back for Christopias Spritopher � Inmate. I live in an apartment above where I work so the mail goes to my secretary and sometimes, if I am lucky, someone else will sort the mail and comment on what mail I receiving, from whom and from where. The mail must also list the name of the business so that it comes to the address, and is not returned. A very painful and expensive lesson I learned after moving here. It is in the chapter of my memoir is titled, �Everything I needed to know about credit I learned the stupid way.�
Someone informed me today that men can get urinary tract infections, which I knew, and yeast infections, which I did not know. I am a hypochondriac and as such, I will be having a yeast infection some time this week.
I walked to the post office today because considering the nightmare of parking at the post office I figured it was faster just to walk. I have discovered yet another petty crime that causes me to become enraged: littering. I have no idea why, but the fine in Connecticut is $219 for littering and if I knew how to turn people in for it, I would.
This would not bother me if the refuse were biodegradable. Throwing a banana or orange peel, an apple core, or something like it under a bush seems reasonable to me. That which comes from the earth returns to it. However, your newspapers and soda cans do not biodegrade. It makes this place look like a bigger dump than it already is. I only litter when the garbage is going to cause a problem.
Jaywalking is another thing that bothers me and it bothers me more when people jaywalk into moving traffic and look at the drivers in their cars as if they are something special. In Germany, where I grew up, you were fair game if you were off the cross walk.
I live downtown in an older New England town, read: no central planning of roads and civic placement, that is William Penn genius, not Thomas Hooker�s. That I live in a state founded by Hookers is a source of endless, sophomoric joy for me, and something I gloss over when I teach Colonial Connecticut History. Puritans from Massachusetts, never you mind!
My point is we do not have night straight roads. Even downtown, the roads wind about in an unplanned way. Cars come around corners quick and have to jam on their breaks because people cannot wait a couple minutes for the light to turn their color. Someone could be killed or there could be an accident and it would not be considered the fault of the pedestrian. It would be someone with a job who was driving the speed limit hitting one of the people who mill about in the streets all day, not going anywhere.
My father, the retired soldier who is now a chef, has a birthday in September. He will be forty-seven. I found what I would like to get him at Kitchenaid: a two thousand dollar grill. I cannot link you to it because I built it with options. My dream grill for my father would be a gas grill, with burners, warming oven, refrigerator, wok basket, sink, drawers for utensils, and a bar. Why not get the grill for myself? I do not have a yard for a grill and not of that awesome, professional caliber and while I can cook, I cannot cook like the Major. It would be like giving me a Ferrari, I would enjoy it, but it would be a waste.
And, yes, it is our family tradition to buy Dad things to use in the kitchen to cook for us. He likes it this way. Mom�s dad was a shop teacher; we buy her power tools. How backward are we?
If you are appalled at this you would be glad to note when the Princess and I were in middle and high school we would buy him clothes for this birthday that he could wear when he was in public with us. One year he got a crazy amount of cash from some relative for his birthday and spent it on us because he enjoys that more than getting himself things. Dad grew up poor and was never given anything. He likes to give his children things. We like to take them. This is the birthday scenario that I like the best but I doubt that it will happen this year, as that crazy relative is dead.
I also do not have two thousand dollars and if I did, lets be honest, Kipp and I would buy guns with that money. Today�s want/need is firearms. Tomorrow it might be Japanese steak knives, who knows?
Dear Fellow Republicans and Conservatives,
Demonizing Theresa Heinz Kerry will only boost her popularity. You will make her the next Hillary Rodham Clinton and then our next First Lady. Eventually, you will hand her a Senate seat. Keep up the bungling, you fools.
Viva Bush!
Spritopias
