detachable membership
Anyway, today I was enthralled by Car Guys. I have no idea what anyone is talking about but I listen because I am hoping to pick something up. I am not just a hypochondriac for myself but also for my car. Automotive Hypochondria is really difficult to develop knowing nothing about cars but thanks to those friendly �Car Guys,� I am able to learn and then worry about parts of my car I cannot even identify. What they talked about escapes me now but just wait until I hear a noise, then it is all over.
When I got to Ikea I decided on a new, important policy I will implement when I am President of the United States or God-Emperor of the World: SUV Parking. SUV owners have to park in spaces not big enough for my bachelor sedan! It must be nerve racking for them. I honestly, and without sarcasm, think they should make spaces wide enough for your cars. They do it for the hippies who drive compact cars, why not do it for people who have jobs?
When I was leaving IKEA, I realized that a genius has parked next to me. They rented a U-Haul to get their stuff from IKEA to home. I wrote that down because when I get my new dining room table, with leaf and chairs, I will need a U-Haul because certain people who live practically in Rhode Island refuse to drive me around in their Ford Expedition. I will get over it, eventually.
I was to IKEA shortly after it opened on a tip that fewer children would be there, and unless the child is called Boo, I have no need for it. Getting to IKEA early means that you find a good parking spot. A good parking spot means you are stalked when you leave the store. I can carry my furniture box, it only weighed about fifty pounds, but it takes me a while to put the seats down and rearrange things so they will fit in the car since my friend with the Ford Expedition refuses to drive me, but I am not bitter about it. However, this woman yells at me to hurry up because she wants my spot. I decided to hurry up and then I went back in the store.
The previous entry goes on about some of the same information but I left something important out. I did get the coffee table I wanted and it did only take me about ten minutes to set it up. The important thing to realize is that, apparently, my penis is detachable.
I am able to detach my penis and perform the following tasks: recognize that I am lost, ask directions at gas stations, admit that I am wrong, see things from your point of view, and read the directions. It really is like an out of body experience but they cannot last long as your body likes to be in one piece as much as possible.
So you see, doing this was not impossible because I combined my ability to use power tools with my ability to detach my manhood from my humanity thus freeing my brain up to work.
This amazing power does have drawn backs. The most prominent being: I am, and will probably remain, single. The other one is that if I have to use the bathroom I am up a creek but my paddle is in my pocket and it is no use there.
As promised, my updated apartment which features work done by my parents and my new, ten minute table.
I have been doing a clean sweep, as has Mary. I finished first (something detaching it does not help).
Kipp�s Pimpage of the Day: Flip Flops are now to be referred to as �JFK�s� after the Flip Flopper in Chief � John Forbes Kerry
Hear ye, Hear ye: Those who support Kerry, if he were an effective Senator he would have fought the President in the Senate. He is not, evidenced by the fact that he has done nothing to stop George W. Bush. On anything he talks about, he had the chance to do something about it in the Senate. You know the �Kerry Bill,� no, you do not. There is no �Kerry Bill� because he does nothing. They have a bunch of talented politicians who have done a lot but they cannot be nominated. That would make sense.
