you've got a friend in Pennsylvania
I am back in Connecticut.
This entry was intended to mock how the one-liter Dr. Pepper had such a wide mouth. I was going to talk about having a drinking problem but it was one of those times where the life you save could be your own.
I was driving across Pennsylvania on Tuesday and one of the major disadvantages of driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike going West to East is there are not many places to use the restroom and unlike our friends in the Buckeye State they do not warn you of your impending peril as you pass through the valley of the shadow of no bathroom.
This brings us to two important facts: the Coach�s Coke Speech and how I stay awake when I am alone on long drives. When I was on the debate team for the University one of our assistant coaches would give us this speech at rest stops on our long drives across the Mid West. She would hold up a coke and remind us, �Coke makes you pee, pee makes us stop, You cannot get cokes because coke makes us stop.� Oh, the wisdom of the ages, which, is ignored in my stay awake method, which is: always have to go to the bathroom.
I had forgotten that while I have a friend in Pennsylvania that they live no-where near the turnpike, and by �friend� I may have meant, �loyal reader horrified by surprise bathroom visit by troglodyte blogger.� My fastidious work at maintaining my hydration had put me in a bad way. I had to pee and it was sixty miles until the next rest stop.
Now, this normally is not such a bad thing but I did not just need to stop, I had to stop. Stopping was going to happen either to use a bathroom or to change my pants, �Depends� as Bob Dole would say.
I zipped past a couple of the �emergency pull-offs� and in the passed I have even stopped at one or two of these to read a map or take a phone call. I had scoped out the ones I passed and they were all near trees so I thought, �If I have to I can stop there to pee.� I could easily jump out of the car, run like a freak into the woods and pee on a tree as if it is camp.
I decide to ditch at this emergency pull of which gives me little room to get out of the car on the driver�s side and a rock wall but at this point I cannot wait the twenty more miles to get to a bathroom but I cannot get out of my car without also loosing the door and maybe an arm. I am at this point frantic and that is when I was thankful that hours earlier, south of Columbus, I had bought a liter of Dr. Pepper with the wide mouth. Before you say, �had you not bought that you would not have had to stop� and some butterfly affect stuff but I had also had two cans of Mr. Pibb, four Starbuck�s Espresso Double Shots, and three or four Gatorades.
I had to pee in the Dr. Pepper bottle, because while that is disgusting my choices were: pee in the bottle or pee in your pants. My pants were a hot pair of shorts from Abercrombie and Fitch. The bottle was going to playing catcher.
My story isn�t about peeing in the bottle, my story is that in the half dozen times I have stopped on an emergency pull or no one has ever stopped and offered help or to see if I was okay. However, when peeing in a bottle on the side of a dangerous highway mountain pass two people had gotten a lot of out of the parable of the good Samaritan.
Thankfully, I had seen them pull over because I was neurotically looking around. The last thing you need is someone coming near you with your pants down, peeing in a bottle or not it�s illegal to be remotely naked in public unless you are under eighteen and at the Mall. I was able to pull my atlas onto my lap so unless you really examined the situation you would not have noticed my state of dress or what I was doing (that day was also marked by a poor choice in undergarment). Had it not been for that wide mouth bottle I would have certainly made a big mess.
I am also amazed at the capacity of my bladder, which hitherto has been bemoaned for its inability to contain anything for any period of time. I did not marvel at my accomplishment, I am just noting an observation. A liter, who knew?
I have to apologize to the good people of Pennsylvania. I have littered in your great state. I threw the bottle out the window with the wipes I used to clean my hands (I am that dainty to keep those with me for emergencies) because that was the last thing I needed in my car if pulled over or if I had been in an accident. �Ma�am, your son had nearly a liter of his own urine in the car when we found the body.�
Now, you know what is going to happen the next time I pull over but need help? That�s right, you will have read this and will know not to stop. I will be stuck there by the side of the road until some pervert thinks they are going to get a sneak preview.
Sorry, it was a gross story but now that I have typed it out I will not be repeating it at a cocktail party.
