03/07/04

I went to visit my Grandmother in the hospital today - my father�s mother.

She looked absolutely terrible. It was for lack of a better word, disgusting. She has wasted away into a skeleton in a sack of skin. I�m glad I didn�t eat before I went. The physical sickness would have overshadowed my emotional trauma.

I felt so horrible the whole time I was there. I have been very cruel to this woman. I could find a million ways to excuse my behavior and all them could be considered valid. That house of cards came crashing down on me when I saw her there.

She�s been indifferent toward me in the past but I was being callus in not allowing reconciliation before she dies. I sat there and let her talk for four hours before making the trip back to Connecticut. I didn�t want to leave because I didn�t know how.

I also don�t know how to go back.

Don�t let people abuse you but at the same time don�t let cruelty beget cruelty. Protect your own but don�t harden your heart.