Letters from the Home Front

I asked a friend about her recent trip to the United Kingdom and this is what she responded with (in italics) and what I said back to her.

For your information we had gone, with a group of friends, to Rome while in University. Another young man on the trip, also named Chris, was the consumate ugly American and had foot odor that could kill a moose.

It was fantastic! We were going to write you a postcard but didn't have your address :( We went to three musicals and a play, and we did the usual death march to museums etc. Renea said the only thing missing was you! Unfortunately I won't have any pictures of myself because my personal photographer, Chris I., wasn't there (or maybe he was I just didn't know it). Actually he was there in spirit because the 6th person in our hostel room was a girl with feet that smelled just like Chris's.

The only bad thing was that everyone but me had the chicken meal on the airplane and all got food poisoning. Sarah was sick for three days on the trip.

Kristy

Sure, sure the old �postcard� line. I know what�s up. Well, stick this in your Palm Pilot and smoke it, �I don�t believe you and I don�t get my own mail!� That�s right! Some old geezer reads my mail for me so even if you had sent it, he�d have kept it. True story.

As for Chris I., you should know that when ever I think on him I eat a high fiber vegetable, wash my feet and do ten push ups. I had the circus and refuse to look like I work there, no ma�am. If anyone gets Mad Cow disease it will be him but I don�t think anyone will notice when they lethargy kicks in.

And, yes, you�d have noticed if Mr. I were in London � how could you not? I know the United States Army commandeered that awful khaki coat so they could use it as a tent in Iraq but I don�t think he�s learned how not to be a bull in a china cabinet. You�d have noticed him. But, be thankful for him, we know how to apologize in Italian because of him! We thought that the President of Iran�s visit, Lutherans in the Vatican or even the Captain Ashby � Ski Slope Trooper, incident would have caused us problems in Rome. In rare instance, we were wrong! It was genius to bring along our own international incident. No one else travels with, �My Big Fat Obnoxious Stalker.� You�re a trail blazer!

You spelled, �unfortunately,� wrong. Well, you didn�t spell it, �w-r-o-n-g,� you had an extra �r� in there you didn�t need. I corrected the spelling and grammar of your original message as I�ve typed mine in Microsoft Word.

I wasn�t missing from the trip, traveling with someone who has bipolar disorder is about as much fun as detangling our President�s grammar and believe me � even I don�t want to do it. I can�t go anywhere without me or I would. Can you imagine if I would have had some sort of tantrum or episode while we were in London? I�m really better off at home baking or something. I can bake better than you, be jealous.

Of course Sarah got sick from the chicken! Chicken is wicked nasty and laden with more germs than a small child! Eating chicken is like playing in traffic only a raving lunatic would do it! I should know, I�m one of them. I got food poisoning last year and it blew up my eyeballs because I tried not to vomit. You know me; I�m cheap and lazy. I went to all that effort to pick out the food, eat it and then I throw it up? Ugh. Then you have to pay for it because you don�t want to admit to being the person who destroyed the bathroom. It was disgusting and to make it a complete disaster it ruined my sweater. You know that�s when I got really mad.

So, how are you? Are you happy to be back in Nebraska? Write me and let me know!

I�m posting this on the Internet because I can. I might also send it to James.