Heifer.yourmom.com
I got a catalog today called, “Heifer International.” At first I thought that the creepy pornography I get in my e-mail was being sent to my home. I’m embarrassed as it is to get that stuff in my e-mail that only I see but now to get it in the mail. I thought to myself, “Self, we’re going to have to move.” I hate moving. I have a chair on wheels because I’m just that lazy. A closer look at the cover has Susan Sarandon cuddling with llamas making her look Bad like Michael Jackson. I was afraid to open it, but I figured, “Why the hell not?”
It’s a catalog where you pay for OTHER PEOPLE to have pets or working animals in other countries as GIFTS for other people. I’ll tell you this: I would not be impressed with this gift. I think helping other people is cute and all but I want gifts. I don’t want some Laotian family to have a goat and I could care less if that kid in the Congo has his own chicken. ME! It’s all about ME! SHOW ME THE MONEY. Give me the presents. I don’t usually get presents. And I’d be PISSED OFF if you thought that the one time that I got a present that I’d want someone else to get something cool in MY NAME.
I don’t think Llamas are cool but go to www.heifer.com and check it out your self. It isn’t cheep.
An actual heifer costs $500; make my car payment for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. You’d be a bigger hero to me than to some poor person. Besides, you know me. You don’t know them. You don’t have to deal with them when they’re broke and cranky. Bitch, you owe me money. Just give me the cash if you have $500 to rent someone you don’t know a cow.
A goat or a sheep costs $120. If I’m not getting laid I don’t see why some Sudanese guy should get to. You could also get a pig for that much, but I’m not much into police/fireman fantasies.
A Llama costs $150. I’d take the pass on being compared to Michael Jackson and settle for a new pair of Ecco shoes or Birkenstocks. Perhaps I’d take the Llama if I got to dress up like a Third World Dictator and hang with Webster. I don’t, keep your llama.
You can get a Water Buffalo for $250. For that you can get me the jacket from Abercrombie and Fitch instead. That would keep kids in Guatemala employed for months. What would you use a Buffalo for anyway?
A flock of chicks or a flock of cock, depending on your personal preference, costs $20. I wouldn’t know what to do with the one and I have one of the other and I’m not using it. However, you’ll never get a price like that again. I’d jump on that if I were you. I don’t know what I’d use the $20 for but it’s wasteful to have a bunch of stuff you’re never going to use.
